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This is how you adult, right?


March 2015

My 5th Grade Teacher: How One Woman Messed Me Up for Life

In 5th grade, I had this one teacher who was a monster. Seriously, she was the worst teacher I ever had the misfortune to endure. I am going to refer to her as Ms. W. Ms. W was nasty, rude, unsupportive, and just a down right bitch. There is no other word to describe her. Like most pre teens (actually, I don’t know if this is true anymore considering how some  pre teens look like full blown teen agers), I had went through a really shy and awkward phase, then my period came. I remember I had gotten it for the first time during one summer and when my mother found out she was so happy for me. I actually felt the confidence building inside me as my body began its transformation into womanhood. I was proud of my body and uterus!  I started 5th grade and when my second period came, I had to tell this treacherous Ms. W so she could excuse me to the bathroom without giving me a hard time. Her reply? “*eye roll* ugh, alright.” Gee, thanks.

To make matters worse, Ms. W was also the teacher who had to inform us on sex education. I want to say this was also the day where she felt the need to bring all the girls from my class to the teacher’s lounge and have “the talk” with us. Now, after her initial reaction, I felt a little embarrassed about me having my period. She wasn’t exactly helpful any other time I tried to reach out. For example, she had given us an assignment on day and told us, “If you are having trouble, let me know.” I was, indeed, having trouble. So, being this shy, little, Spanish girl that I was, in a sea of confident, white students, I decided to get up and bashfully approach her, like a coward animal to its abusive human. Once I reached her, she picked her head up, looked me up and down, and said nothing. I squeaked out the words, “I’m not sure if I’m doing this right,” to which she hissed, “You don’t know what the hell – heck you’re doing!” Obviously, this caught the entire class’ attention. I don’t remember what she did or said after that because I was instantly regretting this decision and I just felt this heavy shame washing over me as I walked and fell into my seat. I NEVER asked another teacher for help ever again.

Now that you have an idea how much this woman really fucked with my head, you can probably imagine how I felt in the teacher’s lounge. I knew whatever she was going to say was going to involve me. Once all the girls were inside, she closed the door behind her and asked, “Who here has started their period?” Being embarrassed and learning from previous experiences with her, I decided to keep my mouth shut and my hand down. One other girl raised her hand while the rest of us just stood there. What did Ms. W go on to say about periods? “Keep that information to yourselves! It is disgusting!” She may have said it to the whole class but me? I felt that she was singling me out. Once again, this manish looking, leather-face-sporting, Ken-doll-hair-cut-wearing bitch managed to rip apart the shred of dignity I had left. She made me feel so ashamed about a natural process that I had no way of controlling. However, whenever another girl had a broken arm, stitches, or a bad cold, she was open ears and even initiated conversations with them while I was treated like a leper.

Along with her shaming my period and discouraging me from ever asking for help again, she also felt the need to stereotype me. This racist bitch! We were in class one day and had gotten into some discussion about things we feel we are no good at. I, foolishly, raised my hand and said, “I’m not good at dancing,” she said, “Not good at dancing?! You’ve got Latin blood! That’s supposed to come naturally!” Thank you, Ms. W! I had no idea that when you were getting certified to teach at a private grammar school, blocks away from the projects, you were also getting your degree on bloodlines and the Latin cultures! Wow! I’m so happy you said that because I never thought of that when my families had parties and everyone around me knew how to cut a rug.

In conclusion, these are the outcomes of writing the body of a post rather than starting with an intro. This post was supposed to be about racism and how I’ve let it just swing by me without really standing up for myself. I literally just started typing and word vomit just came out and I have written 781 already so I’m just going to run with it and post it anyway. Make of it what you will! It’s my blog!

This is what I wish I could have said to her… even just once.

I have noticed some of my friends have become teachers or are trying to find teaching jobs. Word of advice, be careful what you say to your students. You hold A LOT of power in your hands because you spend so much time with them and you are supposed to teach them, build their confidence, encourage them, and guide them. Tread carefully with your words… or expect a similar rant about you just like this one from a former student.

The Boxer vs. The Potato: Potato’s First Injury

The Potato was bitten! 😦

I was walking the Potato and ran into a friendly dog walker whose dogs have met and played with Potato before. She was in the middle of training another dog walker who had her own dogs. At this point, Potato was like, “Hey, there are way too many dogs for my liking so I’m just going to chill out,” and she just sat down beside me. I must have leaned forward for some reason because she was then sitting behind me. Another woman passed by and had two dogs with her.

This is when shit got crazy.

My poor Potato chip, she was (to my knowledge) sitting down waiting for ME to walk away from the situation when all the dogs just started barking, pulling, and not giving a damn about boundaries. All of the sudden, I hear my poor baby girl crying; this boxer had pinned Potato down on her back and was ATTACKING HER!! I freaked out, not knowing what to do when, thankfully, the friendly dog walker jumped in and got the boxer off. I quickly scooped up Potato and held her to my chest while she shivered. The owner of the boxer apologized numerously and claimed her dog had never done this before. I didn’t care. I hauled ass to the apartment.

Once I brought her up and checked her, I noticed blood! I quickly hopped in the car and drove to her vet. Potato was just hanging around in the car seeming calm, playful, and not giving two shits about what just happened. Meanwhile, I’m brushing away my tears and wiping them on my fabric covered steering wheel. Once we get there, Potato is still nonchalant about the ordeal. The doctor came out and took her into a room to examine her. When she called me into the room, I had seen that the doctor had removed the fur where she was bitten.


I took one look and yelled, “Baby Jesus, NO!! JESUS, TAKE ME!  NOT MY BABY! NOO!!”

Okay, so maybe I didn’t say those words but I was hysterical with tears. This is my daughter, I should have protected her, I should have walked away from all those dogs. She gave me her, “I’m ready to leave, now,” sitting gesture and I ignored it. Turned out, Potato was fine. It was a light bite, it looked worse than it really was. She was given antibiotics and she happily drank it up.


I took a video because when I told my husband how his princess was hurt he nearly paddled back home, divorced me, packed up Potato, and paddled back to the boat with her. I wish I was kidding. I have been dethroned. Potato is the first lady of the household now. Whatever she says, goes. Anyway, she was fine, she’s a trooper.


It has been a week and she is healed up. She didn’t let that fiasco hold her back. It was as if she was never hurt at all. She finally finished her antibiotics today and starts her training classes tomorrow in a safe and friendly environment. I learned my lesson: When the Potato sits, she’s done and stay away from a large amount of dogs. She’s not ready to be around so many dogs yet.

The Potato

Kids These Days: Sex Education

If you read my last post you’d remember how I said I’d never want a sister. It’s true but for good reasons. I’d hate an older sister simply because I know it would be competition. There are already favorites in our family. My brother is a momma’s boy, he can do no wrong in under my mom’s eyes and, naturally, I am a daddy’s girl. My dad would NEVER yell at me and even when he’s frustrated or upset, he still calls me “mija” o “mijita” 😀 If I had an older sister, I’d hate her. I’d have to live up to her standards. Now, a little sister is just scary. I can’t stand little teenagers now.

When I was visiting my parents a few months ago, my mom and I went to Dunkin Donuts. We decided to just sit at a table as we enjoyed our coffees. Behind us was a table of 7 or 8 annoying high school girls, actually, wait, no, they were mainly 11 year olds and one 12 year old. How do I know this? Because in the chaos of them screaming non sense (they were at the same table, inches apart…) to each other, one girl shouted, “I’m not 11! I’m 12! I’m older than all of you!” They were on their phones, tablets, just passing time and being obnoxiously loud. I was telling my mom, “I cannot believe how annoying they are,” to which she replied, “You were like that, too.”

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Yes, I was loud back then, give me half a six pack & I’ll channel my inner 12 year old all over again but I was, under no circumstances, like that. At 11 or 12 years old, FUCK NO WAS I ALLOWED TO HANG OUT AT A FUCKING DUNKIN DONUTS AFTER SCHOOL! No, I didn’t have a cell phone. No, I was not allowed to hang out with friends. I was to get my ass the fuck home. My shit school let out at 2:15, I had better been home by 2:40 because my school was down the block from me. Not only that, I was to call and report in with my aunt or my mom would call the house to make sure I made it safely home. GOD FORBID, I didn’t answer that call. She’d spam call the house line until I answered and then the 20 question game commenced. “Where were you?” “Why didn’t you answer?” “You went to the bathroom? What did you do in there?” “Why did it take you long to pick up?”

My mom’s biggest fear was me getting knocked up young (joke’s on you, mom. I’m pushing 30 and you may never have a grandchild from me!). Sex wasn’t thrown at kids my age at that time. Sure, when I was in 7th grade, the 8th girls were always making out, letting boys touch their bits, and they were sure as hell proud of it. I can’t imagine how proud their parents must have felt, too!


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Now, sex is everywhere!

Everyone knows I have a very big potty mouth. I rarely use censorship when I speak or make jokes. Most of my jokes are raunchy. My husband rarely swears. I get my period more often than he uses foul language. I do take it down a few notches when I’m around a younger audience (or around my in laws, of course). I had went to visit one of my cousins at some point (I rather keep this story vague to protect my cousin’s identity and from her parents killing her) and she had to have been around 15 years old. First day she asked about my birth control pills which snowballed later on into the “sex” conversation. What exactly do you tell a 15 year old?

I didn’t know what to do. I had not come prepared for this. In my mind she was either going to be in that state of mind where her V card was long gone or still interested in My Little Ponies, or whatever girls are into at this age now. I was not prepared to answer these questions. I didn’t want to lie to her but I also didn’t want to tell her the generic answers that don’t really answer her questions. When I was younger, I was told the basics: “Your virginity is a gift,” “You’re going to bleed a LOT,” “It’s the most precious thing you have,” “Wait until you’re married,” “It is going to hurt REALLY bad.”

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No one said, “It feels really good after the second time,” “Your emotions are going to go haywire,” “You may think you love him, but you won’t,” “You might not bleed,” “The semen is going to end up on your hair… that’s on top of your head.” How the fuck do you explain this to a 15 year old without traumatizing her?! So, I laid it down as gently as I could…SAID NO MAN, EVER!
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“It might hurt,” “You might bleed,” “Make sure you’re ready,” “You’ll know when it’s time,” “You don’t have to wait for marriage.” I gave this kid the vaguest answers and I’d like to think I was pretty useless. I barely remember what my answers were exactly. It was kind of like one of those moments where you’re a deer caught in headlights and everything just moved really, really fast that you didn’t have time to process what the fuck went on… kind of like losing your virginity, actually lol Considering everything I had learned about my cousin, she really is a good kid and had a good head on her shoulders. She wasn’t going boy crazy, she conducted herself very well, I actually enjoyed hanging out with her because she simply was not annoying.

Truth is, it’s good I’m not a big sister because I’d be too terrified to have “the talk” with her. Although, I didn’t have older sisters, my brother had some girlfriends who I would confide in and ask them questions. Had I had a younger sister, I would have been scared she’d start sex way too early. At this age and time, kids as young as 4 have access to tablets. Now, I understand some parents may use those “Children friendly” blocks but this doesn’t stop them from seeing it in other people’s tablets, phones, laptops, etc. Kids aren’t even learning about sex at school anymore and what’s worse, you don’t see condom usage in movies, magazines, or even in most porn. Don’t get me started on porn! If kids are watching porn to “learn” about sex, they are so screwed because now, they will have unrealistic expectations on the opposite sex!


Anyway, when you think about it, if they are learning about sex through movies, social media, and electronics, they aren’t being taught about birth control methods or STD prevention. Remember that steamy Mr. & Mrs. Smith fight scene that led to sex? Did you see condoms? No. What about The Jersey Shore, condoms? No (The only time I think condom usage was mentioned was when Mike had gotten oral sex from some random girl and FOUGHT his argument how he didn’t need a condom for that because “you can’t catch an STD through head”…). What about other rated 14 shows? Where sex is suggested? Condoms don’t really have any air time so this this can show kids how to LEAD UP TO SEX and just be completely unaware of safe sex part.

Parents should just be totally honest to both their daughters and sons. Tell them the good and bad, don’t sugar coat it to spare YOUR fears, they need to know about everything that will happen. I don’t believe shoving abstinence down their throats will be a good idea. I have met people who were taught abstinence and when they finally had (underage) sex believed they had gotten pregnant because 1. No condom and 2. A penis was inserted for 2 minutes (the guy didn’t finish at all). They really believed pregnancy happened the moment a penis touched the vag. Their parents had to meet and it was a total mess.

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Yes, because this is healthy… obviously (please, note the sarcasm).

I think the best time for girls to learn about sex ed would be when they start their first period. Boys? I have no fucking clue. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a 28 year old with no kids…

My Brother, My Baboon

If you could choose to have a sibling, would you choose one? An older/younger sister? An older/younger brother? Well, I didn’t have a choice, as many kids don’t, I decided to come out and ruin my brother’s only child reign. That’s right, I have an older brother and you would think we’d fight a lot but we actually got along for most of our lives. In fact, if I could go back and choose, I’d be happy just with him all over again.
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My brother is about 30lbs lighter than this now. Parenthood: The New Diet Craze

I would hate having an older or younger sister, much less a twin sister (my husband still hopes I have one that was separated from me at birth).
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My brother and I shared a room for years when we were kids. Being raised in a Hispanic household, this means, shit was loud all the time. Whether it was the Spanish music, the parents arguing, mom arguing with the neighbors, or dad cursing at the TV throughout soccer games. When it was bed time, my brother and I would usually close the door, hop in our beds, and just talk about nonsense. What I remember distinctively were his hand puppets he would do to make me laugh. We had a bunk bed and sometimes I would be on the top bunk while he’d be on the bottom bunk. He would raise his hands with all his fingers pressing against his thumbs and just make them “talk”. It was a simple act but I found it hilariously funny. He would do this with both his hands and the puppet would “eat” the other puppet or attack it. Another night time routine we did was “Guess This Song”. “Guess This Song” was a game where we would knock on the wall to a beat of a song and the other would need to figure out what song it was. Again, it was something so simple but I remember it clearly and thinking, how could my friends with siblings fight with each other and we get along so well?
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As I grew, my bother started to unknowingly teach me new things. The truth is, my brother has taught me a lot. I used to be obsessed with the boy band bullshit sensation that owned the 90’s pop wave length. Until he played his Metallica’s tape: Unforgiven I & Unforgiven II.


He taught me there was good music out there. I never knew music like this existed. My life up to that point consisted of the Backstreet Boys (the time before N*Synce happened), Barbies, and McDonald’s chicken nuggets as the only option for a meal. McDonald’s chicken nuggets are still my go-to nomnom. It felt like my ears and brains were hit with a sledgehammer and I really heard boy BANDS. The type that were in a real band and played real instruments, not just danced and did the same hand gestures throughout their music videos. The type that had MEN instead of boys. These songs weren’t about “girl, I love you,” “girl, I need you, “girl, come back to me.” These lyrics were some seriously deep shit that left it up to its listeners to decipher what it meant to them. Up until this point, I didn’t know music could be so poetic. The lyrics weren’t simple. These two songs were not, in the least bit, literal as all pop songs were (are). You had to find the meaning yourself. My bedroom posters that once held a shit ton of BSB were replaced with Metallica, Korn, Kittie, even Kid Rock (before he went country).
I had to black out some words that were so inappropriate for my age at the time! And pictures of some people.

At one point in my young life, I had thought, “OH EM GEE, I MUST BE GAY!” It was because my lady bits started to develop early and the crimson wave came crashing down with a flood of emotions I didn’t know how to handle. I “came out” to my brother in our kitchen one afternoon and he simply said, “no, you’re not.” And you know what? He was right! What I meant to say was: “I can now appreciate another girl’s real beauty.”

I was about 13 and thought I had to be gay because I started to see other girls changing for gym and thought:
“She has a flat chest, I wish I had her chest.” (I had developed boobies, like, really young and have hated them ever since.)
“Her legs are so smooth looking, why do mine look so gross and hairy?!” (I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs until the summer after 8th grade)
My brother saved me a real uncomfortable conversation with my parents and the follow up conversation that would have just been, “JK mom & dad! Penis all the way!”

Having only an older brother to play with, we played a lot of video games. I remember playing Batman The Video Game (fucking game was hard as shit. I hate this game.), Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, TMNT, Sonic, Tiny Toons, Little Ninja Brothers, Dark Stalkers, Twisted Metal, Doom, Duke, Tekken, King Of Fighters, and Zelda (another game for me that was impossible), just to name a few. My brother played more and I remember seeing Metal Gear Solid and FFVII but that was too much for me. I just watched him play when the games weren’t too colorful to attract my interest. This did not make me popular with girls my age L They were more into make up, push up bras, make out sessions with heavy petting, and girl scout than video games. It was really the only time I was able to bond with my brother… until one of us delivered a beat down to the other and got upset (it was mainly me 😀 ).
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I was pretty clingy. And pretty awkward.

I want to say fighting games like Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, and Tekken influenced my brother to go into martial arts (TaeKwonDo). He started really young, too!
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I think my brother(left) was like 16 here.

This led to his own school 🙂

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Lozada Martial Arts

He got me into martial arts as well (honestly, I just did everything he did because everything he did was cool). There isn’t any pictures of me because no one took pictures of me in my uniform doing anything D: Naturally, I took his classes so he did get to teach me the basics of the style. My husband is full aware if he tries to be slick, I will ax kick him to oblivion!

Despite living in different states, I would like to believe we’ll always stay close. Anyway, I promised my sister in law some more pictures of my brother so here are some random facts about him.

1. He likes knives, swords, stars, anything sharp… even though he shouldn’t be trusted with anything sharp.

2. He had the typical hot friends.

3. He likes hiking -.-

4. He has a sweet spot for his feline friends… even if they do not welcome the love.

5. He was a fat baby. Really fat baby.
baby 10

Here is one more picture for shits and giggles. We know how to ruin wedding pictures 😀
I had green hair and he had a mohawk.


Respect Your Parents & Stop Being Jerks

Reaching 28, I have learned to appreciate the little things in life such as home cooked meals, new clothes, new shoes, the value of a dollar, education, and family. Now, I’m sure there is more but those are the things I can name off the top of my head. When I mean family, I’m talking about my parents. My brother and I have always been close (that’s another post, FORESHADOWING!) but I started to appreciate my parents later in life.

My mom and I fought every. Single. Day. We fought even more during my high school days. Our fights consisted of my wardrobe. Before you start picturing the stereotypical outfit with my boobs, belly, and ass showing, let me explain. I was never into fashion (every time my husband asks, “Does this look good,” I just give a blank stare because I have matched pink and orange together before) and, of course, leaned towards the “dark side”. Black evvvveerrryyyyythiiiiinnnnng was my style of choice.
My mom and my dadda.

Boyish clothes were my go-to suggestion. My mom would constantly want me to wear skirts, dresses, heels, nail polish (although, we did agree on keeping my nails, clean, trimmed, and painted).
Look at that face. It just screams, “I hate everything about this day.”

I hated girly dresses even when I was too young to realize it was called a “dress”.

I fought tooth and nail not to wear dresses… until she’d beat me into a dress. Now, before you say, “Oh my God, noooo…”

STOP. What Americans call “child abuse”, Hispanics call “discipline” or “ahorra, vas a ver!”
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It wasn’t until later and I mean LATER in life (early 20s) when I started thinking maybe she isn’t as crazy as I make her seem. I mean, my mom is bat shit insane as every other woman but she means well. She was there when my heart was broken for the first time, came home from work every single day and cooked meals from scratch (she still does this for my dad), took care of me when I had the sniffles, let me stay home when I wasn’t feeling well, everything a good mother should do. She always put her kids first, pets second, and my dad last lol but she always took very good care of her family without a single complaint (my dad recently broke his jaw and had his mouth wired shut. My mom made him shakes, smoothies, cream everything you can make creams of so he ate, bathed him, cleaned his stitches, and only communicated with him through pen and paper for about 5 weeks). The way to describe my relationship with my mom would be the Disney movie Brave. Constantly trying to make me into a lady of society and not appreciating her until later on.
My mom and I on Thanksgiving 2013.

One of my earliest memories of my dad was on a Friday or Saturday night. My brother and I were on our bedroom floor drawing. We were wee kids at that time. I couldn’t have been older than 8 years old. My dad was having a few beers as he normally did to unwind from a week of work and he sat down with us and within 15 minutes, sketched an entire face of a singer he enjoyed. It was perfect. My brother and I looked at each other and couldn’t believe we had wasted about an hour trying to draw X-men characters while my dad, plastered from beers, effortlessly and flawlessly, free hand drew a face.
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My dad has always been a quiet man and it wasn’t until my last two years of college when I started to see my dad as a friend rather than a scary father figure. I was able to talk to him, open up to him, share his insights and thoughts. I discovered we had a lot in common: drawing, singing, the arts, political views, religion, music, I can go on but it’ll be way too much.
Safety first!

I also learned the value of a dollar because of him. When I moved out and had to start buying my own things, I never realized how much my dad spent just on me, not including for my brother, himself, my mom, our pets, and things we all needed as a whole. My dad made a lot of sacrifices for us and now I can say, I really love our conversations…
My dadda on Thanksgiving 2013.

and how did I repay him? I got married and moved away! Broke his heart D:
My dadda and father in law (right).

Adoptive parents really need a lot of credit, especially the ones who, sadly, cannot conceive. They were so determined to have children (despite the fact their bodies were just not cooperating) that they decided,  “Hey, we still want to put our lives on pause just to raise another human being with love,” and BAM! You were adopted. Think about it, science, God, or whoever you believe in, were throwing signs and obstacles to your adoptive parents’ way and they still defied the odds and adopted a child to raise as their own. Just appreciate them. Most parents had little “happy accidents” and thought, “-sigh- well, we might as well have a baby,” but no, your adoptive parents WANTED YOU, planned you, prepared for years for you, and adoption isn’t a 1, 2, 3 process. That shit takes some time, months! They love you that much that they could have said, “Fuck it, let’s live our lives without children and have sex in any room without having to check on kids,” and be at peace, travel, and be comfortable but no, they love you that much to sacrifice that freedom to raise you.

All in all, just respect your parents and give them a break. They gave you life, they care for you, they still put up with your dumbass decisions, and will probably be the only people who will you love unconditionally (besides grandparents). Just stop being assholes to them and remember all they have done for you.

Sorry, Beyonce Is Not On This One!

I’ve been riding YouTube like you wouldn’t believe! It does push me to post so, onward, YouTube! I was looking for a playlist, as I normally do, and decided to write about each song I heard. It’s random bullshit honestly. I wanted to share my thoughts and views on some of these videos. I’ll see how much I can get done before Potato gets upset for lack of attention and revolts!

  1. Pitbull – Timber ft. Kesha
    Is it Ke$ha or Kesha now? I will always have an unhealthy obsession with Pitbull because 1. He’s Cuban and 2. He speaks Spanish and it’s the dirty kind. I understand Spanish better than I speak it. I can get my point across but you might as well speak to a toddler. When I hear this song, I get very jealous of the southern folk that really get down and represent this hick vibe to this. Can you imagine how hard they must party to this song? I mean, FINALLY! A beat they can really relate to while they try to serenade their cousin! That was mean K I’m just kidding 😀 I enjoy the south because it’s where The Potato came from.
    The ho downs must get poppin’ when this song comes on!
  2. One Republic – Counting Stars
    I have a fond memory to this song. I was working at this horrendous, shit job back in Jersey and I had formed a bond with one girl I worked with and she was fucking funny from the moment I walked in to the moment I ran out at 4pm. I was riding in her car and she heard this song playing and she did a little hand wiggle of a dance. I guess you had to be there for it… to be funny… Anyhoo, this is a cute song; it’s an uplifting, “let’s dream about our future, successful selves.” Once I heard it every hour, thanks to that one shitty station everyone had programmed on their car b/c it was a last resort station, it got old FAST.
  3. A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera – Say Something
    To this day, I refuse to watch the video or listen to the song in its entirety. It is a fucking sad, sad song! Have you seen the video?! I caught a little glimpse of it but what tore me up is the elderly couple. Ugh, elderly couple love just tears me apart and I’m not talking about the ones who meet at 80 and marry the same year. I’m referring to those couple who have lived through WWI, WWII, the 20’s, 30’s, etc. Those couples who were separated by war, discrimination, countries, homophobia, THOSE COUPLES ARE THE REAL MVPs! They have lived through so much and managed to work things out and still love each other to the very end. The word “divorce” never existed in their vocabulary. Have you heard about that couple of 67 years of marriage, dying hours apart holding hands? I won’t see my friends do this or their parents. This love was so pure that their souls could not live without the other. THAT is real, true love. Stories like that really pull on the heart-strings.
  4. John Legend – All of Me
    Someone, please, get me a sledge-hammer so I can beat my laptop from ever playing this fucking song AGAIN! I hate, HATE this song. It’s so damn cheesy and I like some cheesy songs but I don’t know why I hate this so much! Ugh! I – I CAN’T! I WON’T!
  5. Sam Smith – Stay With Me
    I may be the only person who’s breathing who just does not appeal to this song or his voice. It may be because his voice sounds too “soul” and I don’t like that genre, despite efforts or simply put, I don’t like his voice. Whatever, SKIP.
  6. Sam Smith – I’m Not The Only One
    Please refer to my statement above.
  7. Ed Sheeran – Thinking Out Loud
    I actually heard Miranda Sings version of this song before the original one. This is the first time I am glancing over to this video and the dance performance is actually really nice. I enjoy watching music videos where the base or the majority of the video is a dance performance. Anyone can act without speaking but dance (I.E. Maddie Ziegler in Sia’s Chandelier) is impressive. It’s actually the best way to get me to watch a music video. I find these videos more creative and thought out.
  8. Taylor Swift – Blank Space
    “Nice to meet you, where you been?” The video didn’t really stand out to me but lyrics did. Swift has a reputation of being a serial dater and this actually worked in her benefit. The video and the lyrics poke fun at herself and she takes it with stride. Who hasn’t heard this song? It was EVERYWHERE in 2014. I do enjoy the part where she admits, “Got a long list of ex-lovers/They’ll tell you I’m insane!” I dated a LOT in high school so I also have plenty of people who would say, “that bitch is psychotic!” Well, that may be so but… I’m married to a wonderful man who somehow deals with my insanity and I’m almost positive he either hides a bottle somewhere to ease the tension or pretends to go away for months on end to get away from me 🙂
  9. Taylor Swift – Shake It Off
    This playlist sucks. I don’t know what I chose to do this one but in my offense, I didn’t look ahead and thought it would be more fun since I’m literally writing this off the top of my head! This song was also everywhere, I could not escape from it and it’s such an irritating and, worst of all, catchy song! Damn you, Taylor!
  10. Meghan Trainor – All About That Bass
    I have the BEST memories of this song!! Now, this song came out in summer 2014. What did I do that summer? My boyfriend/fiancé was in military bootcamp so I wrote a LOT of letters and waiting for the mailman. When I wasn’t feeling down I had my Texas support system: Jen & Monika. I have known Jen since I was 4 years old and got to reconnect later in college. I can safely and easily say this girl is my best friend. Even being far away, she has been more of a friend to me than most people who lived around the corner. Monkia is a girl I met right before my boyfriend left for bootcamp because her boyfriend was leaving the same day to the same class with mine. We both felt each other’s pain so we texted each other every day and supported every time we heard from our men. Jen told me about this song, I asked Monika about it, and I learned that all three of us would jam out to this very song on our way to work. This song will always make me smile because of the memories I had, not of crying, but of knowing I was goofy dancing in my car along with my two other friends. Thank you, ladies. I would not have made it without your help and constant contact ❤

I am going to stop here because this list is a 50 song playlist and I’ve been working on this post since yesterday morning. Potato feels the need to want the most attention in the morning so when I sit on my laptop, she retaliates by eating my couch -.- Did you also catch there is no Beyonce in this list? I’m sure there are in the later videos but I didn’t notice that until now! Sorry, Beyonce, this isn’t about you (but we know everything else is!)

Funny Gals of YouTube! They’re Also Hot

This may be the most procrastinated post simply because it’s about the new YouTube channels I have started to watch. You know how that goes, you start watching one episode and suddenly six hours have passed and you’re deep into videos from two years ago. I get like that with Jenna Marbles and Epic Rap Battles. It is amazing how many videos, and channel,s and How To’s are out there in this magical world we know as YouTube. My dad goes there to listen to songs from his childhood and reminiscences about family and friends. It’s a small pleasure he has that I know will always take him to a happy place. I wish he would look for actual channels though! We managed to fix an old T.V. my parents had through YouTube directions three days before New Years! I was watching a documentary on Netflix, directed by Dan Dobi, called Please Subscribe. According to this documentary, YouTube made “TWO MILLION ON YOUTUBE MERCH ALONE!” just in 2011. That. Is. INSANE! That is also genius.

I have been going to YouTube for years now but mainly for music. Then I was introduced to Jenna Marbles and thought that this bitch was the funniest white girl I had ever seen! This was back in 2012 so since then, I have always caught her Wednesday or sometimes Thursdays episodes. After a while, I had noticed her cameos who had their own channels which lead me to more shows. So, to begin the point of this post, here are some of the channels I just found out about and thoroughly enjoy. BTW, yes, they are all women.

1. Miranda Sings/Colleen Ballinger
Stay with me people, this may become confusing. Colleen Ballinger has her show where she hosts “Colleen’s Corner”. She answers questions from her fans while on Fridays, she makes funny skits. She looks like a pretty normal girl and, frankly, I love question videos. We get to know the person making these videos. She also has another channel where she isn’t afraid to take her make up off and transform into this… other person. Miranda Sings is a fictional character that Colleen had made up. Miranda is… a unique girl. She dances, sings, and entertains us with her expressive facial reactions.

I like Colleen because she isn’t afraid to take her make up off, smear on some lipstick, sport a camel toe, and just sing… horribly.

colleen miranda
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Why? Because why not? We have aspiring strippers posting videos twerking while their 4 year old holds the camera. Let Miranda do her thing! You gotta give it to her, not many women out there would show their less than popular look for the world to criticize and rip apart – and yet, she continues to post. She still sings and dances in her videos despite the really, REALLY mean comments assholes feel like leaving and by the way, girlfriend can dance better than Taylor Swift in her rendition of Shake It Off.  Sorry, T.S., Katy Perry all the way!

2. DailyYou
Daily Grace aka Grace Helbig is another goodie. I’ll be honest, when it comes down to funniest, she is alright but she does do interesting videos. How To Survive PMS is exactly what it is, how to survive your period. THANK GOODNESS! I’m glad there are others who do these exact things, especially the sweet craving. It’s true, even if you don’t have sweet treats at home, you WILL find a way to get your grimey hands on them. Although, I do need to address something. She did a video how to shave your legs. Am I the only girl in the world who DOESN’T get nics? I rarely, and I mean rarely, ever get nics. I started shaving my legs when I was 13 and I can probably count on both hands how many times I have niced myself. What I do constantly is leave patches of hair. I left patches all over my legs the first day I shaved. I mean, it looked like I traced the United States map. I did a TERRIBLE job but! I don’t get nics very often. If I am in a hurry and I start shaving like a pornstar who’s running late for a shoot, then yes, I will get nics but other than that… I think I may be the only girl on earth who rarely bleeds from shaving my legs.

Daily Grace really seems like someone I would go to for my girly troubles so I do enjoy her videos. She also looks like the girl I would go to when I need to dress like a girl, style my hair, and pick out a gift for a baby shower. I do need more women like this in my life who can also make jokes. One more side boob, I mean, note! I watched this video while eating my “everything” bagel and I almost choked on it because I found myself relating to this all too well!
YouTube shot

3. Jenna Marbles
Jenna (fucking) Marbles. According to Please Subscribe, Jenna Marbles spent six hours STRAIGHT signing autographs for fans at Playlist (2012? Or 2011?)… Let me explain how much I adore Jenna. I would wait the six hours just to be within 50 feet from her. Meeting Jenna, I would just… IDK… I would lose my shit. Her first video, How To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Good Looking, literally threw her in the limelight and she hasn’t looked back since. She isn’t shy, she isn’t afraid to be funny, and besides periods, there is practically nothing she won’t talk about (but that’s okay, that’s why Daily Grace is relevant 😉 ). She swears like a sailor, Cerment, Marbles, and Paesh often make cameos along with Julian aka Moq.
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She actually inspires me to blog EVEN KNOWING there may or may not be one person reading my posts. She is someone I wish I had in my real life, oppose to interweb life. Someone who won’t take offense to the raunchy jokes, who won’t go, “uhh… that is so inappropriate,” if I make a humorous comment about a penis, someone who will just fucking take a God damned joke and roll with the punches. I have way too many serious people in my life and very few people who actually get me, (I’m looking at you, Texas girls and my husband… who’s legally bound to find me funny). I think she is the reason I find other YouTubers mediocre funny. I connect more with Jenna than anyone else and whenever I need a tickle in my giggle dick, I always go to her videos. It won’t matter if the videos are two years old, I don’t care, they are funny, they make me laugh, they always put me in a better mood. Period cramps? Jenna. I broke up with someone – Jenna. I feel like crying for no reason – Jenna. My day could be better – Jenna. When I feel like giving up and becoming a unicorn for the day, all I have to do it watch I Hate Being A Grown Up and I’ll know, I’m not alone!

4. MyHarto
Hannah Hart. How can I describe her? She is that college room mate you had that forced your emotions to question your own sexuality. She is hot and she is definitely the cool tomboy in the group who just also happens to be gay, sorry, guys but great news for girls! Her videos have come a long way from her first episode (I hope this is her original, first episode or else I’m going to look silly… and lazy… mostly lazy). One of my favorite videos is The Whisper Challenge ft. Misterwives. I love The Whisper challenge in general. I did it with my husband and it was actually funny enough to drive both of us to tears.
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The quality of her videos are certainly better and from the episodes I have seen, she seems to be the queen of clever and witty puns. Normally, I dislike someone who uses excessive amounts of puns and it really irritates the shit out of me but for Hannah, it works! Every time she does it, I sit here and go, “Ah! I see what you did there,” as if she can hear me.

She has also done videos with other people including *ahem* Jenna 😉 I recently got the game Cards Against Humanity and Hannah does her own version with her called Charades Against Humanity. This was actually pretty priceless and I intend of playing this – drunk, of course. Only alcohol will make me creative enough to act out these hard-to-act-out cards. There is a card that says “KKK”. How the fuck are you supposed to act that out?!

I love light, funny videos with a bunch of jokes because there is enough bad shit in the world and I’m not encouraging to bury your head in the sand, by all means, but have fun. It’s okay to be silly, it’s okay not to be angry or upset about something. It’s okay not to be serious all the time. I feel that the internet should be an outlet from the real world along with there you find your news. Life is short and can be cut shorter, have fun, be happy, look for the bright side of things. If you want a good laugh, if you’re feeling blue, overwhelmed, or just want to watch pretty girls make asses of themselves, give these ladies a watch. Dorks around the world, you aren’t alone 🙂

More Cosplays Ideas!

I wasn’t satisfied with my Cubone outfit since the mask had sunk in but w/e! I tried! Now, AnimeNext 2015 is in June in my home state New Jersey 😀 and I will be very prepared for my next two cosplays:

Ramona Flowers of Scott Pilgrim


Krieger’s Wife of Archer

I already have the wigs bought and ready. Honestly, I like the pink for Krieger’s Wife more than the blue wig for Ramona. I think Ramona will take the least effort since I already have goggles, jackets with hoods, shorts, and boots. I pretty much need the stockings, bag, and maybe the hammer. Haven’t decided yet if I am going to have the weapon. Anyway, this is what I look like so far as Ramona
The wig looks pretty cheap so I will have to play around with it.

I LOVE Archer. Seriously. I can re-watch the seasons all the time. I was thinking of doing Cheryl since I feel like she is me as a TV character than any other characters I have ever seen but I do want to match up with my hubby who will be coming with me to the AnimeNext 2015 convention. It’ll look cuter if we dress as a couple. Plus, it will be the first time we actually dress up as a couple. We never did that before in the three years we’ve been together.

So, Krieger’s Wife is this anime hologram that he invented that is so real that the state of New York has allowed him to marry her. I don’t think they ever really reveal her name so it’s a little difficult to pin point her. Her outfit is really simple: a cut up little dress dress and everything else that goes with it. I’m sure I can walk into any Spencer’s and get the whole thing in one shot. This is how the pink hair looks like
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Unlike the last three that I have made,
Morrigan of Darkstalkers,

Dollface of Twisted Metal,

and Cubone of Pokemon, these next two will be the easier ones to cosplay and way more comfortable to walk around in. I also do want to do Vanellope Von Schweetz in the future. If I can somehow make her outfit, I might squeeze it in, however, I would like to do this with my brother. My brother is a big, broad dude and FUNNY STORY TIME!! When I lived with my brother a few years ago, he was wanted to teach me to drive. I was a late bloomer. I didn’t drive until I as 25 but I had had my license since I was 20/21. Anyhoo, my brother took me driving and we got hungry. We passed by a fast food place and he told me not to put my drink in the coaster, drink holder thingie b/c his car was an oldschool BMW that was not designed yet to hold these cups. Well, right after he told me that, I put the cup there filled with soda and I drove off. The cup spilled and I forgot I was driving, tried to catch the soda, jumped the curve and almost hit the McDonald’s sign! Good times, good times. Needless to say, I never drove his car again 🙂 So, I think it’s appropriate if he dressed up as Ralph and I dress as Vanellope 🙂 We have a very close relationship.

Mayhem Fest I think 2012. It was when Slipknot, 5FDP, Rob Zombie headlining. We decided that we are the only people we can go to concerts with b/c we love the same music… except his wife. His wife has taken that spot now 🙂 along with their fucking adorable, cuter-than-yours son!

We were at a friend’s wedding and while my brother tried taking a picture of my super cool aunt I decided this is the time to photo bomb… I also had blonde hair back then.

I think he can pull up Ralph since he is so much bigger than me and shouldn’t be allowed near anything delicate b/c he breaks it. Not on purpose… he’s just… a bull in a china shop! I will have to make my hair work with this cosplay b/c I have dark hair but there is blue in there now.
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I think I can still pull this look off, yes?


Meet the Potato: 7 Things I’ve Learned After Adopting a Puppy

I have never really been the Valentine’s type of girl – until my husband. He enjoys celebrating little events like that. Lately, he’s been hinting how he has been wanting a puppy. With some convincing, we decided to move forward with adopting a rescue furbaby. Luckily, everything went smoothly and we brought home our new, little bundle of joy. Being a military wife means having to say goodbye to my hubby every few weeks for several months so I have the lovely task of training our little furry girl.

The Potato

We decided to name our three month puppy Potato. We were told she is an Australian cattle mix but because her ears are still floppy, we believe she may be an Australian Shepherd mix instead. Either way, she is as adorable as she is a lot of work. We fell in love with her instantly and want the best for her. A few days later after bringing her home, my husband left for a few months. Suddenly, there I was: alone with the Potato. I was in charge of her health, well being, house training, mind stimulation, and 24/7 TLC. In only three weeks, I have learned a lot about caring for a puppy: the good, the bad, and the gross.

  1. You can just throw your mop away. You won’t need it.
    Because we have two bedrooms with wall to wall carpeting, we must keep Potato in our living room. Her day crate and toys live in the living room so I spend the most time with her there. Living in the Boston area this winter means we are bringing in salt, water and snow into our homes. When we come in from walks, I have the courtesy of taking my boots off at the entrance while Potato runs in and leaves her little pitter patters of paw prints all over our kitchen and living room.
  2. Goodbye Privacy, I barely knew thee.
    Potato is very clingy and doesn’t approve of being left alone. With that said, sometimes, I will let her be in our bathroom while I shower. What does she like to do when she’s locked in there with me? Judge me. She pokes her head in the shower and judges me. I answer Mother Nature’s call, Potato judges me. There is no such thing as boundaries with her; everything I do must involve her.
  3. My hands no longer belong to me.
    Chew toys, tongs, and treat giver. Those are the items Potato thinks are attached at the end of my arms. She is now four months so nipping is still an issue I am working on… every day. Whenever I put my hands in my pockets, she immediately sits and anxiously waits for a treat that I may or may not magically possess. I also find myself shoving my hands in her mouth to pick out whatever garbage, dirt, or small parts of her toys she managed to chew off. I’m not sure if she enjoys this or not because she just rolls on her back and lets it happen. Attempted suicide? Or a cry for attention?
  4. My toes and ankles resemble cattle.
    Potato seems to believe I am some sort of mutated form of a cow. Now, this is not her fault, it is in her nature to herd cattle. If she is in one of her hyper fits, she enjoys chasing my toes and ankles and herds me to where she feels fit. If I disobey her action, she thinks playfully barking will help me submit. This 15 pound meatloaf tries her best to herd her cattle.
  5. I constantly have to save her life.
    Confidence does not begin to describe this little puppy. She is a 15 year old high school girl. This means, she was me when I was 15. In other words, defiant, brave, mind of her own, and everything mom says or does, is wrong. I have left her alone about three time and in those 5-10 minutes, I had caught her chewing through my sound machine charger, chewing through the cable to the living room lamp, and finally, her last proud accomplishment, she had disconnected a bedroom lamp and was chowing down on the cable.
  1. I am, in no way, ready for children.
    I am not saying animals are like children (although, I am. I totally am.) but the comparisons are really, really, extremely close. I have a set schedule for her potty time and feeding time. I have to constantly watch her so she doesn’t choke and die on something, I have to set guidelines for her, disciplining her is a painful process that makes me feel guilty when she whines. I am completely aware of having children is much, much harder by 100% but what you have to understand is this is my first puppy. I do not have my parents to help me raise her to become a proper dog for society. With my husband gone for months, all the responsibilities are on me. Thankfully, a dog cannot throw SCREAMING tantrums but she can still be silently hurt and need medical assistance. A puppy is enough for me. I can wait for children.
  2. She is great company.
    With my husband being underway for months, family being states away, and no real friends in a new, unfamiliar home, it can get lonely – fast. Potato keeps me busy by chasing after her, training her, cleaning up, and giving me love and affection when she sees me down and out. At this time, I am used to being alone but when the loneliness comes crashing down along with the tears, Potato knows exactly how to curl up on my lap and lick my sadness off my face.

Potato and I have been bonding more and more since my husband has been gone. Although there are times I question, “Why did we adopt her NOW? Why didn’t we wait?,” I take one look at her precious face and I’m reminded she is taking care of me while he’s away. Without her, I wouldn’t have the cuddle comfort she brings to me, I wouldn’t have random laughing amusement, and I wouldn’t be experiencing a trail run of minimal motherhood. This four legged, spot covered, burst of energy is my child, my furbaby, and every day I get to spend with her is an amazing experience.

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