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My lonely Valentines

Military spouses are no strangers to being alone on important holidays and I can understand why they would dread spending today alone. After all, you are surrounded by pink and red colors, the word “love” splashed everywhere, and happy couples while you only have Netflix to depend on.


Where did this sappy holiday come from?
Lemme school you on where this joyous holiday came from. St. Valentine was a Christian priest who literally died for love. He found it unfair for Emperor Claudius II to ban engagements and weddings for the sake of having more soldiers. Claudius was pretty much a dick because he got into so many wars that he was running out of soldiers and lovers did not want to leave their families to fight Claudius’ battles. On top of being a fan of war, he didn’t really treat his people fairly so it is understandable why no one wanted to fight for him anymore. St. Valentine was not having any of Claudius’ shit and believed love should never be banned or prohibited (are you listening, you Judgey Judies?), so, he secretly began marrying couples. When he was outed, he was sent to prison and was put to death but not before confessing his love to a blind girl. How did he do this? No, not with a pen, but with ink squeezed from violets. That’s right, he wrote her a sonnet composed of ink squeezed from violets. Sadly, he was still put to death the next day. Valentine’s day is celebrated on February 14 because it is believed lovebirds, doves, and owls began to mate that day after the Catholic Church granted him Sainthood.

Now that you know the history of why we celebrate this day, I can admit that I’ve never been one to celebrate this holiday. After learning about the saint, I can absolutely respect the day and the man but I just don’t expect my husband to give me gifts because it’s just another day. Plus it has become sooo commercialized, I mean, c’mon, before you read this, did you know who Saint Valentine was and why he is honored? No, because HE isn’t honored, per se, the action of love, what he died for, is celebrated. With that being said, does it change your perspective on today?

Still a V-day Grinch? Celebrate the other “holidays” that are on February 14!
This love and sex filled date is also shared with Library Lovers’ Day (Australia), International Book Giving day, National Cream Filled Chocolate day, and Quirkyalone Day. No one said you couldn’t acknowledge any other event going on in the world so here are a few things you can try and do today besides wallow in your emotions.

  1. Be a fun parent if your spouse is deployed. Have the kids make some sort of arts and craft gift for their parent so when they do come back, they’ll have piles of cards and gifts. Plus, it’ll keep the kids busy and your mind occupied.
  2. Love isn’t just for marriages and relationships. Go visit a children’s hospital, bring them Valentine Cards or even little snacks. They can always use new visitors and it’ll be a nice feeling for them to be acknowledged by someone besides their parents.
  3. Pamper yourself. This doesn’t just go for women, I’m sure there are “Me” things husbands can do to make themselves feel good. Ladies, get dolled up for yourselves, make yourselves a HAPPY dinner, not a sad, woo is me, dinner-for-one meals.
  4. While you’re all sexified, take a few pictures or even videos for your boo thing and send them to their phone or have a photo shoot printed out so when they return home, they have an extra goodie.
  5. Buy cream filled chocolates! You don’t have to share with ANYONE!
  6. Don’t be bitter. Just because your spouse is away absolutely does not give you a free bitter card. Don’t be jealous or say the famous “Must be nice…” phrase to other couples. You don’t know how many other meaningful days they had to spend away from each other nor do you know their struggles. Don’t rain on their parade.

    Don’t be shitty.
  7. If you’re a military spouse, invite some other spouses whose S/O are away. Bring out the board games, snacks, PJ’s, or dress up! Something lively so you don’t end the night on a sad, tearful note.
  8. Do what YOU want to do. Reread an amazing book or watch trashy TV. Dive into something you love to indulge in that you normally wouldn’t be able to do with your spouse around (*ahem* KUWTK).


The familiar butterflies

I have lost count the times I’ve gone to see my husband – to pick him up after a deployment or to see him at a port call. What I can always, always count on is the gut feeling I get. I get these butterflies. These butterflies are strong enough to pick my stomach up and flip it over but they are somehow light enough to flutter around their paper wings and give me a tickle that sends my breakfast on a fast track up my esophagus. My heart begins to pound as every second that passes while I’m behind the wheel knowing I am about to see my brave coastie. I’m checking my make up at any reflection just to recheck it 5 minutes later. You’d think I’d be one of those annoying high school girls who thrive on their looks.

September was the first time I got those butterflies. I was going to see him graduate bootcamp and he never looked more handsome. His jaw line never looked so squared but his 5 o’clock shadow at 11:00am never scratched more. I was intoxicated with pride. Then, before I knew it, I was picking him up from deployments every few months or catching him at a port call. I was drunk with fear. Almost a year later and those butterflies still work their magic and they have now become part of my routine of getting ready. When I’m done styling my hair, applying my winged eye liner, checking my constant low tire pressure, I take one deep breath in and I inhale the butterflies.

Maybe we still are in the “honeymoon” stage, maybe the distance does make the heart grow fonder, or maybe we are lucky. Whatever it is, both of us are happy to be in this bliss of love. I don’t know if he feels it (maybe he does, but that may just be the sea waves pushing and pulling him back and forth. Some people call it being “sea sick”!) but it’s a feeling I both love and hate. The only thing that makes these pesky butterflies go away is when he is finally in my sight. Once I see him the butterflies all gather around my heart and paper mache it. Every step he makes towards me, my heart grows and pounds harder. Then, when we finally embrace, my heart explodes with joy, sending those butterflies out like shards from a grenade.I can finally breathe knowing Christian is “Safe & Sound”. I can breathe without choking on air knowing he is back with me. I can breathe because I have my air back.

Listen to each other like it’s the last time you can hear. Laugh with each other like it’s the last time you’ll breathe. Love each other like they’ll be gone tomorrow.

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The time i took a Chance on Lucky

Coming to realization that you’re wrong is one thing, admitting it is a totally different factor. I’m no expert on life and lessons but it has taken me a long time to get to the point in my life where I can look back on things and really come to the conclusion, “I did fuck up.” In most relationships, the partners blame each other for a nasty break up. It’s always, “He was such a dick!” or “Man, she was a bitch.”
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There are always two sides of each story: his and hers. Before I met my husband, I was dating someone who I, admittedly, treated less than what he deserved. Now, I’m not saying he was an angel by any means. Let me explain…

I had met this guy in college, I’ll call him Lucky, and he came into my life at a very convenient time. Now, keeping in mind, this is MY blog, and with that said, I will write exactly what I feel. Should Lucky ever read this, he should remember how brutally honest I can be. I doubt he ever will though since he’s not my biggest fan… plus I’m sure he has referred to me as varies names… none of which were my actual name. When I had met Lucky it wasn’t love at first sight, hell, it wasn’t even lust as first sight. Both of us were just in each other’s lives at a specific time when we were both trying to get over past loves. He had a list of girls he was trying to move on from while I had one guy. I should have known he wasn’t right for me when he suggested to “get on the corner,” when I was complaining about money trouble. He meant this as a joke, of course, but I would have never, ever dated anyone who would ever make a joke like that to me. I have a sailor’s mouth but I was spoiled by proper speaking men (which is why I love my husband!).

While we did date my confidence did sky rocket because I was finally getting comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t have anyone judging me. Our mutual feelings for each other were less than a loving couple and more like a friendship. That is, until I started to punish him for the last guy’s mistake. I hated his best female friend, his best male friend was a hot mess and don’t get me started on his baby mother that I was forced to spend a weekend with. I only wanted to hang out with him, I wasn’t very supportive about his dad being absent his whole life,  I would pick him apart, babyed the shit out of him, and just wasn’t pleasant to be around. I always, ALWAYS, compared him to the previous guy. I set unbelievable standards that I felt Lucky would never reach (Lucky proved me wrong. He is actually succeeding in life so for that, I’m happy about.), which was totally unfair.
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Okay, I wasn’t THIS bad. I WASN’T screwing his friends that’s for damn sure!

Despite our “best efforts” of working it out, we both came to the conclusion that it was never going to go far. I kind of always knew that because I never saw a future with him.

Once we broke up, I realized, I never really loved him but, man, did I miss his presence. My brother actually pointed it out that I didn’t miss him because I loved him, I just missed being around him. That quickly staled when I found out that my “friend” who was helping me get through the break up was also shacking him with him (This also worked in my benefit because that they ended up dating and breaking up anyway. And FYI, she still bashes him on social media.). I should make it clear, Lucky NEVER cheated on me, not that I know of anyway but it was a shady and shitty thing to do to nail my “friend” a few weeks after we broke up. Normally break ups take me a while to get over but this was fairly quickly. We dated for about 2 years and I was over him in about 3 months give or take. Today, I have no animosity towards him.
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The break up could have been cleaner if a certain heifer didn’t moo her way in so shady like.

I had actually seen him for the first time since our break up when I had to go to his job. We had both worked in the same credit union and I still stayed friends with the manager. I walked in with my dadda and met with the manager. Lucky popped his head in and sarcastically began grilling me with questions about who the hell sold me a car and taught me to drive. Jackass J but I wasn’t even mad. I was actually impressed and humbled that he even came in at all. I even waved goodbye as I left the building. I had needed to go there a couple of times afterwards and each time, he was respectful, professional, and just kind. I didn’t feel awkward at all BECAUSE he made the first move. I really admired how mature he was those times when he could have just ignored me and played the petty part. Once again, he had proven me wrong: I didn’t really know him and I should have given him more credit than I did. I should have known better… had I PROPERLY invested my emotions in the relationship.

Now, he is happily dating his female best friend and, to be quite honest, I really hope it lasts. She was the one he should have been with from the beginning. While we were together, he did share nice stories the two shared. I think I wasn’t fond of her because I knew they made more sense than we did. I never really got to know her but I know enough about her that I believe she will make him happy. They seem to be more compatible than most relationships I’ve seen. He is a great person; we just weren’t a great fit and I’m happy he finally found someone he can be himself with.
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So, there you go. I know I was a shitty girlfriend and he deserved someone who was %100 in it for him, not an idea of someone else. And Lucky, if you ever read this, know that I am sending you my best wishes to your relationship and I mean this from the bottom of my heart 🙂

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