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“Why did you stop?”

In mid November, I had met up with a high school friend, Diandra, and when she asked me, “So, what are you doing in Puerto Rico?!”

I replied,

“Nothing. Just a housewife.”

Catching up just to sit down
I had went back to New Jersey for a few weeks due to hurricane Maria ripping through Puerto Rico. I stayed with my parents and I was able to catch up with some friends, mainly my high school girls, Mimi and Joy. Thankfully, we all live close to each other and decided to meet up and catch up on what has been going on in our lives.

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Old friends

Mimi struggled with anxiety but works hard to not let it run her life. She dished about her amazing job, the comfortable pay, exciting trip she took to Europe last year, and even about a new man in her life. Despite it all, she looked and sounded genuinely happy. Despite her demons, she was able to overcome all of her hardship and find herself on top.

Joy will be getting married in March, she is a registered nurse, and she is still climbing up, focused on actually helping people, and secure her future. After seeing her with someone for over 10 years who, not only mentally abused her, but constantly cheated and actually held her back from her full potential, it was heart warming to know she was able to rise up and realize her self worth.

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Friends

When it was my turn to speak, I was already mentally preparing myself for the same conversation with Diandra and I was ready to recite, once again, “Nothing. Just a housewife.” Instead, these powerful, ambitious, independent women asked:

“Are you still running?”
“What happened to your blog?”
“Why did you stop writing?”
“What about drawing?”

Once I heard these questions, it was as if they were describing this unique, happy, free individual with talent and ambition. Those talents and pastimes just floated in the air to form a person who was full of life, just to be let down and shut out. That wasn’t me or, I guess, it used to be but not anymore. To be honest, they caught me off guard, I was surprised they knew that much about me!

So, why did I stop?
I guess I stopped doing these things because I am afraid of failing. I am afraid my writing has suffered because I haven’t been on top of it. I am afraid of running because I haven’t in so long. I’m afraid of drawing because I don’t feel good enough to do so. I am afraid of updating my blog because I will feel insignificant and whiny. I would be lying if I didn’t think Annie (my anxiety) had something to do with how I am feeling. My anxiety does pull me down but hearing my friends actually care about little things I enjoyed doing gave me the little push I needed.

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My wedding day

I had been away from my friends for so long and have settled for others due to my living situation that I forgot who I was. Of course, I don’t mean I NEED them to get me back on track but to be reminded of the person you once were from the people who actually took notice, does help  me put things into perspective. It’s so easy to meet people but most just want to talk about themselves rather than get to know you and through that, I lost who I was. Yes, this does sound needy but sometimes, you just need real encouragement from friends who know the real you.

Trying is better than not
I am not one of those people who go around shouting “New Year, New Me!” Whenever I say I am going to change something about myself, I never do. In fact, I get overwhelmed by the pressure and end up doing the opposite and stop. What they said stuck with me and slowly I was getting my itch to doodle and write again. I worked on a little doodle D had been asking for, I wrote down some ideas for the blog, and had to buy a new charger to use my laptop. It would be too easy to say I will be updating more often but I would also be lying. I am hoping to keep up and actually do it and that’s all I can say.

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Everything will fall into place

 

 

The time i took a Chance on Lucky

Coming to realization that you’re wrong is one thing, admitting it is a totally different factor. I’m no expert on life and lessons but it has taken me a long time to get to the point in my life where I can look back on things and really come to the conclusion, “I did fuck up.” In most relationships, the partners blame each other for a nasty break up. It’s always, “He was such a dick!” or “Man, she was a bitch.”
memecollection.net
courtesy of memecollection.net

There are always two sides of each story: his and hers. Before I met my husband, I was dating someone who I, admittedly, treated less than what he deserved. Now, I’m not saying he was an angel by any means. Let me explain…

I had met this guy in college, I’ll call him Lucky, and he came into my life at a very convenient time. Now, keeping in mind, this is MY blog, and with that said, I will write exactly what I feel. Should Lucky ever read this, he should remember how brutally honest I can be. I doubt he ever will though since he’s not my biggest fan… plus I’m sure he has referred to me as varies names… none of which were my actual name. When I had met Lucky it wasn’t love at first sight, hell, it wasn’t even lust as first sight. Both of us were just in each other’s lives at a specific time when we were both trying to get over past loves. He had a list of girls he was trying to move on from while I had one guy. I should have known he wasn’t right for me when he suggested to “get on the corner,” when I was complaining about money trouble. He meant this as a joke, of course, but I would have never, ever dated anyone who would ever make a joke like that to me. I have a sailor’s mouth but I was spoiled by proper speaking men (which is why I love my husband!).

While we did date my confidence did sky rocket because I was finally getting comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t have anyone judging me. Our mutual feelings for each other were less than a loving couple and more like a friendship. That is, until I started to punish him for the last guy’s mistake. I hated his best female friend, his best male friend was a hot mess and don’t get me started on his baby mother that I was forced to spend a weekend with. I only wanted to hang out with him, I wasn’t very supportive about his dad being absent his whole life,  I would pick him apart, babyed the shit out of him, and just wasn’t pleasant to be around. I always, ALWAYS, compared him to the previous guy. I set unbelievable standards that I felt Lucky would never reach (Lucky proved me wrong. He is actually succeeding in life so for that, I’m happy about.), which was totally unfair.
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courtesy of memestache.com
Okay, I wasn’t THIS bad. I WASN’T screwing his friends that’s for damn sure!

Despite our “best efforts” of working it out, we both came to the conclusion that it was never going to go far. I kind of always knew that because I never saw a future with him.

Once we broke up, I realized, I never really loved him but, man, did I miss his presence. My brother actually pointed it out that I didn’t miss him because I loved him, I just missed being around him. That quickly staled when I found out that my “friend” who was helping me get through the break up was also shacking him with him (This also worked in my benefit because that they ended up dating and breaking up anyway. And FYI, she still bashes him on social media.). I should make it clear, Lucky NEVER cheated on me, not that I know of anyway but it was a shady and shitty thing to do to nail my “friend” a few weeks after we broke up. Normally break ups take me a while to get over but this was fairly quickly. We dated for about 2 years and I was over him in about 3 months give or take. Today, I have no animosity towards him.
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courtesy of imgflip.com
The break up could have been cleaner if a certain heifer didn’t moo her way in so shady like.

I had actually seen him for the first time since our break up when I had to go to his job. We had both worked in the same credit union and I still stayed friends with the manager. I walked in with my dadda and met with the manager. Lucky popped his head in and sarcastically began grilling me with questions about who the hell sold me a car and taught me to drive. Jackass J but I wasn’t even mad. I was actually impressed and humbled that he even came in at all. I even waved goodbye as I left the building. I had needed to go there a couple of times afterwards and each time, he was respectful, professional, and just kind. I didn’t feel awkward at all BECAUSE he made the first move. I really admired how mature he was those times when he could have just ignored me and played the petty part. Once again, he had proven me wrong: I didn’t really know him and I should have given him more credit than I did. I should have known better… had I PROPERLY invested my emotions in the relationship.

Now, he is happily dating his female best friend and, to be quite honest, I really hope it lasts. She was the one he should have been with from the beginning. While we were together, he did share nice stories the two shared. I think I wasn’t fond of her because I knew they made more sense than we did. I never really got to know her but I know enough about her that I believe she will make him happy. They seem to be more compatible than most relationships I’ve seen. He is a great person; we just weren’t a great fit and I’m happy he finally found someone he can be himself with.
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courtesy of memegenerator.com

So, there you go. I know I was a shitty girlfriend and he deserved someone who was %100 in it for him, not an idea of someone else. And Lucky, if you ever read this, know that I am sending you my best wishes to your relationship and I mean this from the bottom of my heart 🙂

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