Sic Ally

This is how you adult, right?



“Why did you stop?”

In mid November, I had met up with a high school friend, Diandra, and when she asked me, “So, what are you doing in Puerto Rico?!”

I replied,

“Nothing. Just a housewife.”

Catching up just to sit down
I had went back to New Jersey for a few weeks due to hurricane Maria ripping through Puerto Rico. I stayed with my parents and I was able to catch up with some friends, mainly my high school girls, Mimi and Joy. Thankfully, we all live close to each other and decided to meet up and catch up on what has been going on in our lives.

Old friends

Mimi struggled with anxiety but works hard to not let it run her life. She dished about her amazing job, the comfortable pay, exciting trip she took to Europe last year, and even about a new man in her life. Despite it all, she looked and sounded genuinely happy. Despite her demons, she was able to overcome all of her hardship and find herself on top.

Joy will be getting married in March, she is a registered nurse, and she is still climbing up, focused on actually helping people, and secure her future. After seeing her with someone for over 10 years who, not only mentally abused her, but constantly cheated and actually held her back from her full potential, it was heart warming to know she was able to rise up and realize her self worth.


When it was my turn to speak, I was already mentally preparing myself for the same conversation with Diandra and I was ready to recite, once again, “Nothing. Just a housewife.” Instead, these powerful, ambitious, independent women asked:

“Are you still running?”
“What happened to your blog?”
“Why did you stop writing?”
“What about drawing?”

Once I heard these questions, it was as if they were describing this unique, happy, free individual with talent and ambition. Those talents and pastimes just floated in the air to form a person who was full of life, just to be let down and shut out. That wasn’t me or, I guess, it used to be but not anymore. To be honest, they caught me off guard, I was surprised they knew that much about me!

So, why did I stop?
I guess I stopped doing these things because I am afraid of failing. I am afraid my writing has suffered because I haven’t been on top of it. I am afraid of running because I haven’t in so long. I’m afraid of drawing because I don’t feel good enough to do so. I am afraid of updating my blog because I will feel insignificant and whiny. I would be lying if I didn’t think Annie (my anxiety) had something to do with how I am feeling. My anxiety does pull me down but hearing my friends actually care about little things I enjoyed doing gave me the little push I needed.

My wedding day

I had been away from my friends for so long and have settled for others due to my living situation that I forgot who I was. Of course, I don’t mean I NEED them to get me back on track but to be reminded of the person you once were from the people who actually took notice, does help  me put things into perspective. It’s so easy to meet people but most just want to talk about themselves rather than get to know you and through that, I lost who I was. Yes, this does sound needy but sometimes, you just need real encouragement from friends who know the real you.

Trying is better than not
I am not one of those people who go around shouting “New Year, New Me!” Whenever I say I am going to change something about myself, I never do. In fact, I get overwhelmed by the pressure and end up doing the opposite and stop. What they said stuck with me and slowly I was getting my itch to doodle and write again. I worked on a little doodle D had been asking for, I wrote down some ideas for the blog, and had to buy a new charger to use my laptop. It would be too easy to say I will be updating more often but I would also be lying. I am hoping to keep up and actually do it and that’s all I can say.

Everything will fall into place



Don’t be stressed the fuck out

We are moving again and with that comes lots of stress. I’m trying to organize everything with time to spare so I don’t lose my mind. Whenever I do get stressed out and feel like I’m ready to punch something or someone, I try my best to do something else to release that frustration.

Despite my physical appearance, I actually find going to the gym very relaxing. I even went to today to relieve some tension and stress after not going for over a month. I was reluctant at first to cough up the money but after they allowed me to use their gym I had a change a heart. All I needed was less than 5 minutes of cardio to realize this does make me instantly happy and because I focus on my breathing, I don’t think of anything else. Of course, the perfect song playlist also bumps up the energy.

courtesy of

Speaking of music, sing your little heart out! I don’t know about you but I may not have the best sounding voice but I can belt it out – when I’m alone… and off key. I like to turn off my phone or leave it somewhere on vibrate and just sing along to whatever good song I hear. I’ll YouTube the shit out of lyrics, although you could get lost in YouTube and then end up watching a cyst removal and completely spend the rest of the afternoon being grossed out and intrigued. I made this weird, didn’t I? Anyway, honestly, I think any type of music will help you relieve stress, however, pick the wrong tune and you’ll be stuck overthinking the situation you’re trying to run away from.

Physical activities that do not involve a gym. I have always been attracted to rough sports. I did TaeKwonDo, Muay Thai, and paintball. Trust me, it will keep your distracted from whatever it is you need a break from. You have to concentrate in everything you are doing. In paintball, if you’re  not focused, you are going to get shot and that shit HURTS. Wanna know what happens when you’re not concentrating in martial arts?

Thinking of something else and not your target in paintball?
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Shit is no joke. I have a high tolerance for physical pain and I got an intense adrenaline rush when I was running from point A to point B with my paintball gun. The only difference between martial arts and paintball is in martial arts, you are focusing on your form and how you are performing with kicks, punches, kneeing etc. In paintball, you’re on a team so the pressure is on. You can’t be thinking about what happened prior while you are on the field. The outcome are both the same, though: You get a hit in & it feels amazing.

As I write this, I am also comfortable saying writing is also an outlet. Fellow bloggers, I hope you know what I mean. I can always depend on writing to take out my frustration. I can sit down and start writing away, delete what I didn’t like, not worried about who will see it, etc. It’s like turning on a faucet, the words and the emotions just flow out and like the sound of running water, it’s relaxing for me. I’ve been writing on blogs, my college newspaper,  HelloGiggles, journals since I was 11 years old and it’s always been something I’ve been committed to. Just because I don’t update as often as I should, doesn’t mean I’m not writing in general. It’s something that comes natural to me whether it’s feeling my fingertips push on a keyboard or feeling a pen in between my fingers, it’s a calming sensation.

Finding something that calms you is hard, especially if you don’t have hobbies but don’t let that discourage you. Try different things and activities to figure out what eases your nerves. Walking a dog could help, too. I like to walk Potato and leave my phone behind so I just enjoy the outside noise and watch Potato lose her mind. Whatever floats your boat but I would highly recommend the activities I have done and still do 🙂 😀

My Song Meaning Behind Orgy’s Fiction (Dreams In Digital)

Way to go deep in the 90’s! 90’s right? Probably late 90’s… close to the 2000’s? Whatever, it’s early enough where kids these days have probably never heard of the band Orgy or this song. That’s right, kids, Orgy isn’t just a past time for sexual experience. Orgy was the actual name of a band back in the day before the lead singer decided to “terminate” the other members of the band. Kind of a douchey move if you ask me. Nevertheless, Fiction has always been one of my favorite old school songs. Now, I have been trying to search for the meaning behind this song for a particular reason. When I was a wee young las (las? lad? What do the Irish call young girls? I think it’s las. I’m going to go with las, it just feels right), I remember listening to this song one day with my brother and I think he was the one who put this song meaning in my head: Orgy’s Fiction is about a man’s wife in a coma.

Orgy – Fiction (Dreams In Digital)

She’s lost in coma where it’s beautiful (Pretty self explanatory, she’s in a coma where nothing is hurting her) 
Intoxicated from the deep sleep, deep sleep
do you wonder what it’s like
living in a permanent imagination? (People often wonder what their loved ones are dreaming of when they are sleeping or in a coma)
sleeping to escape reality, but you like it like that

guilty by design, she’s nothing more than fiction (She is a vegetable, therefor, nothing but a shell of a human)

she dreams in digital (While in a coma, she is dreaming. The “digital” represents the wires she’s hooked up to and what is keeping her “alive”)
because it’s better than nothing (The husband cannot accept her death so keeping her alive through computers is better than her dying)
now that control is gone
it seems unreal,
she’s dreaming in digital (He cannot comprehend how her body has lost control and she is just lying there, sleeping in a coma, and possibly dreaming)
she dreams in digital

And your pixel army can’t save you now (The computers cannot help her. She is a goner)
my finger’s on the kill switch (Medical staff are asking him if he wants to unplug her)
I remember I used to compose your dreams, control your dreams (When she was alive and well, she was so in love with him, she would only dream of him. I don’t see “control” as a negative thing)
and don’t be afraid to expose yourself before I shut you down (He is begging her if there is any chance of survival, please do it before he unplugs her. He wants her to move a finger, move her eyes, blink, something, anything)
you made some changes since the virus caught you sleeping (She looks physically different now than from when she was alive and healthy)

guilty by design, she’s nothing more than fiction
she dreams in digital
because it’s better than nothing
now that control is gone
it seems unreal, she’s dreaming in digital (dreams in digital)

cause it’s better than nothing
now that control is gone
it seems unreal when she’s dreaming in digital (dreams in digital)
she dreams in digital

The rest is chorus but you get the drift. I wish there was truth behind this theory because it’s a pretty valid and well thought out theory. I tried looking up what this song meant from the band themselves but haven’t found such luck. Maybe I’ll never find out the meaning behind this song but every time I hear it, I will always think of that story line.

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