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PERIOD panties! Thinx or Padkix?

Every month I get this pesky little thing called a period. It’s basically my body’s way of relaying a nasty message to me signed from my uterus.

The gift that keeps on giving
My uterus fights me every month because I refuse to give it a baby. This fight consists of bloating, making me feel like I have about 20 extra pounds from my waist down, bleeding, losing the uterus lining in chunks, and terrible hormonal swings. If that wasn’t enough, I must sacrifice good panties for ugly period panties that will not escape the inevitable. I hold a viking funeral in their honor.

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So one day, in my inebriated stage, I was just hanging around at home just cruising YouTube as I always do, hammered or not, I just enjoy YouTube holes. I came across this Buzzfeed video where the girls try Padkix period panties and this YouTuber I follow, Safiya Nygaard who also tried Thinx, another period panty. I had just finished my period and thought I should try these!

Life changing moment
I had gotten my first period at the age of 11 and since then, it has been a bloodbath – no pun intended. Because I come from an immigrant family and my mother is religious, I was NOT encouraged to wear tampons so I strictly wore pads, the bulky kind all through my preteen and teenage years. It wasn’t until I went shopping with my cousin and saw her buy the Ultra Thin pads with wings! Mind blown. I immediately switched out to those until I hit about 21 years old. I had went to a pool party and planned on just hanging out because my beloved menzies showed up unceremoniously. Then… a wizard appeared before me and offered me a tampon. This 16 year old wizard showed me a whole new world.

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A whole new world!

She handed me a Playtex Sport tampon. What a game changer. It took me about three tries to actually figure out how to use it but once I did, holy shit, I never went back. Now, because I didn’t treat my anxiety at that time, I had unrealistic fears such as…

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This was and always will be a fear in my head. I know it doesn’t make sense nor will it happen but this is what I envision in a pool.

Along with pool swimming sharks, I am constantly worrying about Toxic Shock Syndrome so I refuse to sleep with a tampon inside. Instead, I usually wear overnight pads which aren’t the most comfortable. Between the diaper feeling and the crinkle noises, it’s just a inconvenience. After watching both YouTube videos, I decided to give it a go and try out both.

Pulling the trigger
I first went to the Thinx website and ordered a Large Bikini in black. Looking back, I should have gotten a medium but the only reason I opted for a large was because Safiya mentioned in her video that the panty felt a little snug around the leg opening and if I am going to wear these, I wanted to be comfortable. This panty cost $37.00 with shipping included. I ordered it January 11 and I received it on the 16th. Next I went to Padkix and ordered a Medium in polkadot. The cost was $36.00 altogether with shipping as well and I received this one on the 17th.

When I first opened the packages my initial reaction was, “Holy hell, they are HUGE!” but not bad. Thinx was a plain black panty. It looked almost identical to regular black panties I would normally wear except with a liner, pad, or a tampon. The Padkix was cute with its polkadot pattern and, considering I don’t wear cute panties during my flow, it was a comforting fact knowing this company was so confident on no spills that they made this black and white pattern.

The experiment
I decided to wear the Padkix on my first night of my period. As adorable as these polka dots looked, it felt like I had a lot going on down there. The bottom inside has a fleece like material so it’s warm. The outer side of the panty feels kind of like a swimsuit. Imagine wearing one of those swimsuit that holds everything in but has an outer layer that is slightly loose, that’s what it feels like. It’s not uncomfortable but I was aware these were not regular panties. I did feel secure that nothing was going to leak out on the sides. You can see the slightly placed lining of the “extra padding material” on the back and if anyone touches your butt, they WILL feel the padding. It’s not very discreet so I’m not entirely comfortable wearing these with leggings or tight pants at all. My lady bits did feel like they were being snuggled by a pillow so that was a plus.

When I went to bed, I was hesitant but thank goodness the bedsheets were red colored already! I slept the whole night and when I woke up, there was no spillage and no leaking but it also appeared that I didn’t bleed that much to begin with. I decided to wear them during my morning routine: waking up at 5:30am to make breakfast for my husband and myself, let the dogs out in the yard to potty, eat said breakfast, take the dogs out for a 2 mile walk, and did some light household work. All of that seemed to do the trick to get things flowing down there. Although it was soft and comfortable, it felt a little bulky and I was very aware of what I was wearing. When I went to shower, I saw the massacre that was my period. The care instructions advise to wring out your worn period panty before washing them. I’m not stranger to blood but that part seemed the most unpleasant was having to wring out. I get why you should do this, I do, but, man, that was A LOT of blood. I would recommend doing this in your laundry sink or in the shower. After I did this, I tossed it in my laundry, washed it, and hung it to dry. No stains, no odor, nothing. It was good to go!

I wore the Thinx pair the following night. These look like actual panties and this is from their new line of cotton underwear. This black undie is way more discreet than Padkix but what it lacks in cuteness, makes up with comfort. Because I bought one that is all black, you can’t really see the lining but you can’t feel it either. I was a little apprehensive that it wasn’t going to secure my second night flow because it is a size larger than my normal size so imagine my surprise when I woke up and, once again, no leakage, no spillage, no stains. The clean up process was the same as the Padkix – it was a massacre in my sink. Once they were wrung out, I tossed them in the wash and hung them to dry.

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Am I a changed woman?
Padkix has their cute design and with their black and white pattern, it is easy to tell if you’ve had any leakage but I’m not sure how I feel about the fleece lining. It’s definitely secured but the padding would make me feel paranoid if I wore it in public under dress pants or leggings. With that said, despite the “full” feeling down there, you KNOW it is working. The Thinx were light weight and the lining was barely visable. It’s breathable so you don’t feel like you’re wearing a diaper but I feel as though I may have to retry them again on my first day on a light run to really test how much it can hold. If next month they both feel comfortable, I may just buy them both again, Padkix in another design and the Thinx in a beige color and smaller size and style.

Personally, I would wear them again because not having to put a tampon in or wearing a pad is SO freeing. I would recommend you try at least one of them. Pull them up, throw on some sweat pants, get comfy on the couch while you stuff your face with chocolate and use your hormonal tears to wash it down!

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“Why did you stop?”

In mid November, I had met up with a high school friend, Diandra, and when she asked me, “So, what are you doing in Puerto Rico?!”

I replied,

“Nothing. Just a housewife.”

Catching up just to sit down
I had went back to New Jersey for a few weeks due to hurricane Maria ripping through Puerto Rico. I stayed with my parents and I was able to catch up with some friends, mainly my high school girls, Mimi and Joy. Thankfully, we all live close to each other and decided to meet up and catch up on what has been going on in our lives.

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Old friends

Mimi struggled with anxiety but works hard to not let it run her life. She dished about her amazing job, the comfortable pay, exciting trip she took to Europe last year, and even about a new man in her life. Despite it all, she looked and sounded genuinely happy. Despite her demons, she was able to overcome all of her hardship and find herself on top.

Joy will be getting married in March, she is a registered nurse, and she is still climbing up, focused on actually helping people, and secure her future. After seeing her with someone for over 10 years who, not only mentally abused her, but constantly cheated and actually held her back from her full potential, it was heart warming to know she was able to rise up and realize her self worth.

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Friends

When it was my turn to speak, I was already mentally preparing myself for the same conversation with Diandra and I was ready to recite, once again, “Nothing. Just a housewife.” Instead, these powerful, ambitious, independent women asked:

“Are you still running?”
“What happened to your blog?”
“Why did you stop writing?”
“What about drawing?”

Once I heard these questions, it was as if they were describing this unique, happy, free individual with talent and ambition. Those talents and pastimes just floated in the air to form a person who was full of life, just to be let down and shut out. That wasn’t me or, I guess, it used to be but not anymore. To be honest, they caught me off guard, I was surprised they knew that much about me!

So, why did I stop?
I guess I stopped doing these things because I am afraid of failing. I am afraid my writing has suffered because I haven’t been on top of it. I am afraid of running because I haven’t in so long. I’m afraid of drawing because I don’t feel good enough to do so. I am afraid of updating my blog because I will feel insignificant and whiny. I would be lying if I didn’t think Annie (my anxiety) had something to do with how I am feeling. My anxiety does pull me down but hearing my friends actually care about little things I enjoyed doing gave me the little push I needed.

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My wedding day

I had been away from my friends for so long and have settled for others due to my living situation that I forgot who I was. Of course, I don’t mean I NEED them to get me back on track but to be reminded of the person you once were from the people who actually took notice, does help  me put things into perspective. It’s so easy to meet people but most just want to talk about themselves rather than get to know you and through that, I lost who I was. Yes, this does sound needy but sometimes, you just need real encouragement from friends who know the real you.

Trying is better than not
I am not one of those people who go around shouting “New Year, New Me!” Whenever I say I am going to change something about myself, I never do. In fact, I get overwhelmed by the pressure and end up doing the opposite and stop. What they said stuck with me and slowly I was getting my itch to doodle and write again. I worked on a little doodle D had been asking for, I wrote down some ideas for the blog, and had to buy a new charger to use my laptop. It would be too easy to say I will be updating more often but I would also be lying. I am hoping to keep up and actually do it and that’s all I can say.

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Everything will fall into place

 

 

Morning with Annie pt. 1

I wake up, check my phone, and see messages from friends.

“Hey, can you help me with something? Want to go to the beach today in about two hours? Work out today? I think I’m hungry, what are you up to?”

It doesn’t matter who sends what – it might as well be in one message. It is too much and I haven’t had breakfast yet. Let me get out of bed to let my dogs outside. It’s really sunny out, that means people are enjoying the hot weather. There are people walking around outside. I wish I had an app that worked like Uber, except for people. I can see who is where and how close they are to me without leaving my home. That way, I can avoid them.

It’s 8am or close to so I feed my precious dogs in our sunroom so they get fresh air and enjoy the nice climate. All they do in the morning is nap in between sun bathing. I go back inside to make myself coffee and, most likely, eggs of some sort. While the burner is heating up, I try to think of clever way to use social media without people knowing I’m active on chat. If they see me active, the messages will continue. Annie likes to take this moment and whisper, “You’re a shitty friend and sooner or later, they will stop asking for you.” With that said, I am forced to open the messages and pretend to be interested in whatever daily run ins I have.

Do you really need help? I can’t make it out of my door but I can’t tell you this because I’ll sound crazy. The thought of even getting dressed to shower is already stressing me out. The beach? Shit, I need an excuse because if I agree to go, I immediately imagine myself sitting in the car and imagining all the different ways I am going to get into a car accident. What if I pee myself, poop myself, throw up because of the imaginary accident that will happen… any… minute… NOW. I play with my tongue ring when I am quiet, what if a car crashes into us and we survive but I have now bitten into my tongue so hard that I can’t stop the bleeding. What if an accident happens and no one can check on my dogs? I die, my husband has to go into the barracks, what will happen to my dogs? Will they go back to my parents? Of course, but then they will have to take care of my dogs, their dog, and cat. It’ll be chaotic. These thoughts run wild and cause my hands to sweat, chest tighten up, speaking of which, I have to say yes or no to working about. Let me handle this beach situation first before I answer to work out but I should work out before going to the beach. She is depending on me to work out. She’ll think of me as lazy and not committed. Fuck, why am I thinking of working out when I haven’t answered her back about the beach? Wait, who did I answer ‘yes’ to? Did I just agree to help her this afternoon? I have to cook dinner eventually! Wait, wait, wait, and my skillet is smoking because the butter burnt. I still haven’t even cracked the eggs.

I yell at Annie to STFU for a minute, put my phone down, cook my eggs, drink my coffee, put on a show on my laptop to watch and relax to. I forget for about 40 minutes that Annie even exists. I’ll wash the dishes later.

Back to these fucking messages. I agree to working out with her, helping her, and chit chat with her. The mindless chit chat makes me feel good. No pressure but she also understands when Annie comes around I am a different person. I love her, she is always honest with me. Am I talking about Annie? Or my friend? I don’t know anymore. I open the beach message and reply no. Not because I am busy, not because I don’t want to, I just can’t. My body and my mind will not let me. Annie won’t let me die today, I guess she is looking out for me.

I constantly look at the time because there is not enough time in the world for everything. It’s time to get ready and work out. Why. Are. All. These. People. Here?! Why did they all look at me as I was walking over? “Do I walk funny,” I ask Annie, “Yes,” she replies confidently, “You are not matching colors, you don’t walk femininely, and why are you wearing sleeveless tops like your arms are toned?” My legs are moving but I feel like I am dragging wights behind me. “I’m going to work out, why should my clothes matter? I don’t feel comfortable with sleeves when I work out,” but Annie always has an answer, “Look at their arms, they can wear what YOU want because they work out consistently. You haven’t earned the right to wear these clothes. They are judging you because of your double chin, flabby arms, round belly, blue hair. Everything about you is a joke.” I shake my head and remember where I am. I have finally crossed the street to work out. Where am I again? Why did it feel like 30 minutes pass as I walked across the street? Work it out.

We have the option to run or jog as a warm up. FUCK. ME. I guess I have to keep up. Annie runs next to me without skipping a beat, “No one expects you to run because they know your weight slows you down. So, walk and take forever or run and make it back breathless. It’s funny you care so much about what they think.” So, I run. Despite my shin pain, despite Annie weighing me down, despite the sun glare in my eyes. I just want to make this warm up finish now so I don’t have to hear Annie’s bullshit in my ear anymore. This is where I confuse struggling to run and struggling to beat an anxiety attack. “Don’t cry. More attention will be spotted on you. You cant run home because all your stuff is here. What excuse will you use now?” Finally, I make it back. I am mute. I say nothing.

We do survival work outs and somehow, for some reason, I cannot keep up. I feel like the last picked person in gym because I can’t fucking keep up. This is a strange feeling. I was always picked instantly as if it was an urgent mission to get the best of the best. I could run circles around the girls in gym who didn’t care to break a sweat. I am 30. My tooth hurts, my shins hurt, my neck was messed up, I get migraines, if I sleep in a different position during the night, I wake up in pain. Why is my body failing? I am working out with moms who take better care of themselves. Why can’t I keep up? “Because you’re lazy and you think you can cook but you don’t cook healthy,” Annie says as performs her squatting chest press with ease, “Now, you’re bringing your husband down with you.” Am I a shitty wife? No! I take care of him! Do I? This thought circles in my head with every new exercise because every time I stop for a break, Annie is shouting in my head. That’s it. I can’t take it. ANNIE, YOU WIN!

I don’t feel good. I am going to home.

I drag myself home as I hear laughter behind my back. Who is laughing? No one but Annie said everyone. “These voices won’t leave me alone.” That’s crazy, right? I don’t HEAR voices but I do. That IS crazy. Why does it take another 30 minutes? Why can’t I just RUN across the damn street? I can’t tell people this. Annie said people won’t understand. Everyone has anxiety so I’m not special. Why can’t I function right? Spell it out, a-n-i-x-e-t-y. It’s not even noon.

I shower and wash off my disappointment. Naked, I crawl back into bed while both my dogs follow. Mmmm, my dogs have that warm puppy smell. I run my fingers through the top of Potato’s (my dog) neck. She is so furry there. With every light tug I give her, I can feel my senses heighten as I close my eyes. My body flows out of the sheets like water. As I pet her, it feels as good as rubbing my feet on brand new, thick carpeting. If I keep running my hands on her body, I can feel my fingers push her fur up and feel her breathing. I put my fingers right by her armpit and I feel her pulse. Her pulse runs up my knuckles, up to my shoulders, and into my heart. Her heart beats for me. I must stay alive for her. I am her whole world. Her little paw pads feel smooth and ALWAYS smell like corn chips. I can feel my heart beat easing down with every breath I inhale of her scent. Why does she smell like shes been rolling around on concrete? Dammit. There goes my nice moment. Chimi (my little dog) always likes to lie down and curl up by my butt or crotch. I guess it’s the warmest part of my body? He will curl up and rest his head  in a position where he can still look at me. He is like my tail – always behind me. He tried to follow me everywhere to make sure I am close by. He has these huge, typical, chihuahua eyes that melt my heart. If I throw him a little kiss, without hesitation, he gets up, walks over my body to cuddle. I feel like tiny paws kneading my stomach as he passes up. He becomes this ball of fur next to my neck and rests his throat on mine. Somehow, this brings me warmth and comfort. For a moment, Annie isn’t allowed inside and I am normal. I don’t feel sick – I’m OK.

I Got LASIK

I love how my glasses always fall down my nose, fog up when I walk into someplace warm after being in the cold, and when they collect rain droplets – said no one! I couldn’t take the discomfort any longer so I had LASIK done last month 😀

What is LASIK?
If you have terrible eye sight, such as myself, you can be eligible for Lasik eye surgey which consists of reshaping your cornea through a flap the doctor will make in your eye. The laser itself reshapes the cornea and the flap goes back down. Don’t worry, the flap immediately gets sucked back down naturally. However, if you have poor eye sight along with other vision difficulties, such as astigmatism, you will probably be recommended to have PRK. PRK is essentially the same thing except no flap is made and this procedure takes a few more days of healing, whereas Lasik, you’re good to go the next day. If you’d like more details, you can click the link for Horizon Eye Care.

Shitty eyes
I have needed glasses since I was in third grade (9 years old). I can thank my dad for my terrible eye sight. He’s always had glasses or contacts, in fact, I can’t recall a time he didn’t need them. My parents kept me away from too much TV as they possibly could and never let me sit too close. Needless to say, they tried their best but it was just something they couldn’t avoid. Once I started high school (13/14 years old), I started to use contact lenses which came pretty easy to me. However, just because using contact lenses helped my eye sight, didn’t mean it would not come at a price. Every now and then, my eyes would go through this period where one or both eyes would become inflamed compelling me to use my glasses for several days allowing my eyes to rest.

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Ahh, the preteen years

Fast forward to last year. I was 29 years old and my eyes could no longer support contact lenses. These past few months had become aggravating wearing my glasses all the time because I could not see things standing a few feet away from me. I even bought a new phone with a bigger screen because looking at my tiny iPhone 5s began hurting my eyes. Don’t get me started on using that phone as a GPS while we dodged man holes! I came to the conclusion to get LASIK done.

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I spoke to my husband about it and he also supported my idea since he saw how miserable I was. I started doing research this past February and asking around for info. With my luck, my neighbor, who also happens to be from New Jersey, recommended this doctor who did her procedure years ago. I had narrowed down my search to about 4 doctors and decided to go with the NJ doctor. I scheduled my appointment for May.

Day of LASIK
When I walked in, I had told the nurses I have anxiety. I guess they didn’t think it was that bad until one of them patted me on my back and said, “Wow, you’re really warm!”
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Yes, I’m warm! In fact, I’m burning up from the inside because my anxiety is being triggered by the fact I will have a LASER COMING AT MY EYE BALLS! I told them to double me up on Ativan because I will freak out. As I sat on this hospital bed with my scrubs on and light blue cap on my head, I waited for the Ativan to kick in – it never did, well, it did but at the wrong time. After being asked several times if I was calm yet, I lied and said, “Yes.” It was a two hour ride back home so I just wanted to get it over with. I walked inside this operating room and they told me to lie down on this bed type thing and rest my head under this contraption. The Ativan finally kicked in midway through the second eye procedure and it was finally over.

Did it hurt?: No. TBH, I didn’t feel anything except when they used this suction cup that freaked me out.
Did you see the blade coming at you?: I didn’t see anything because I had to focus on this little red light. Everything went blurry, really blurry so I just saw shadows moving in front of me.
What happened when you needed to blink?: The numbing drops prevent you from doing so. You don’t get the sensation to blink, plus, they are flushing your eyes anyway.
How long did it take?: The laser itself had a count down from 25 seconds (which helped my anxiety so I counted along with the nurse). The whole thing was about 5 minutes, maybe less. The prepping took longer.
Were you able to see instantly?: By the time I left the O.R. and the office and walked into the elevator, I was able to see the signs by the buttons.
What was the worse part?: Them taping my eye lids open and using this small metallic object to keep my eyes open. It didn’t hurt, just felt uncomfortable.

The nurses escorted me to the previous hospital bed I was on and after a few minutes the doctor came to check my eyes. He gave me the thumbs up, I waddled my way in my parents car, threw back some Advil PMs (they recommend me taking them so I just sleep the rest of the day/night) and knocked out until dinner time. Oh, yeah, before I was able to go to sleep, I sent this picture to the hubs.

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I was doped up on 2 Ativans and 2 Advil PMs

I was given those fancy shades to protect my eyes for about a month. Why these shades? Because these wrap around my eyes so I can avoid getting debris in my eyes. I was also given these shnazzy, clear goggles to sleep in. Apparently, when we sleep, we subconsciously rub our eyes. These goggles helped protect myself from my hands, pillow, and pet hair. I had to wear these for about 4 nights but I slept in them for about a week to be safe.

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I wasn’t doing one of those “bae-caught-me-sleeping-even-though-I-clearly-took-this-photo-myself” shot. I forgot my phone had that bright ass flash on the front side of my screen so it order to take a picture, I had to shut my eyes so the light wouldn’t, you know, kill me. Why didn’t I just adjust the setting to my phone for no flash? I was supposed to be sleeping. I wasn’t supposed to be awake and watching TV, reading, much less, be on my phone. Finally, I had fallen asleep for the night.

The morning after
I woke up like a kid on Christmas day. To my surprise, I was able to see crystal clear. Nothing hurt, nothing itched but my eyes did feel dry. At this point, I had to put in wetting drops every couple of hours to ease the dryness along with my prescribed medication. There was some bruising inside my eyes but it was very minimal.

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I’d like to audition as an extra for The Walking Dead, please!

My eyes looked pretty glossy the next couple of days. According to my best friend, I looked stoned. I wish! Well, not really. My eyes were dry enough, I didn’t need them to get worse. The doctor told me I would feel a sensation in my eyes almost as if I had an eye lash inside. The sensation I felt was less annoying. It didn’t stop me from doing anything at all.

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A month after LASIK
I am finally back home, on the island, with my little family. I could see everything without any assistance from eye wear. It’s like seeing everything for the first time. Now, I can wash my hair normally, wash my face, apply and remove make up, cook, go to the beach, walk my dogs, do everything comfortably and confidently.

I would highly recommend this if you can afford it, if you can stay calm, and if you’re just sick and tired of wearing glasses. It was quite possibly the best decision I have ever made. I would definitely avoid watching YouTube videos prior or else you might freak yourself out. Trust me, it looks a lot scarier than it is but it is completely worth it!

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