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Sic Ally

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mental health

I spent $100.00 in Barnes & Noble

The first book I had ever read for leisure was Go Ask Alice by Beatrice Sparks. It was *written in a diary form of a teenage girl who spiraled out of control with drugs. You know how the story goes (personally, for some than others), naive young girl dips her toe in drugs and suddenly finds herself as a runaway addicted to drugs. If you Google this book, you’ll most likely find mixed reviews but, in my personal opinion that no one asked for, I thoroughly enjoyed the book enough to reread it several, SEVERAL times. Big S/O to my older brother who introduced this book to me after never returning it to his school’s library!

How I spent over $100.00 in books
To be honest, I don’t think spending $100 in a bookstore is unreasonable. I had bought myself about three books and five for my husband. He’s into Warhammer and I wanted to explore other genres besides the young adult shelf. I was obsessed with all books produced by Beatrice Sparks. They all had the same theme: teenagers going through adult struggles in either drugs, sex, eating disorders, or even all the above. My interest in these teen books have lessened so I was in the market for new books with a new flare. I did my research and decided I wanted to check out Buffering by Hannah Hart, The Last Living Slut by Roxana Shirayl, & Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh. Originally, I also had Mamrie Hart’s You Deserve a Drink but once I researched it, it didn’t really catch my attention ūüė¶

I love YouTube and I can get sucked into a YouTube hole VERY EASILY. One of my favorite YouTubers is the creator of My Drunk Kitchen, Hannah Hart(Jenna Marbles, you still my KWUEEN!) and I wanted to get to know her a little better, well, as much as I can in written form. I was curious about how she became the sensational web star she has rightfully become. Imagine my surprise when I learned she wanted to be a writer at first!

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I have this book, too!

Throughout my time reading Buffering, I couldn’t stop imagining her scenery. I kept envisioning her having those panic attacks she bravely wrote about as she was stuck in a moment and couldn’t move so she had no choice but to memorize what was around her which lead to her perfectly described imagery. My love for Hart grew page after page. I couldn’t put the book down and whenever I did, I wanted to pick it back up. Once I finished the book, I felt a sense of comfort knowing other people understand my anxiety and what it’s like to have all these thoughts in your head and being powerless to turn them off. Thanx, Hannah, for making me feel less like a three headed monster.

Because I was excited to read my new books, I decided to read all three at the same time. I would peel myself from Buffering and move on to Hyperbole and a Half. While the images are amusingly drawn out and the easy-to-read format is a breeze to get through, it couldn’t hook me. For whatever reason, once I would read¬†Buffering¬†or¬†The Last Living Slut,¬†my mood would be altered and I couldn’t get into sync with this book’s voice.


In one chapter, Allie Brosh tries to explain how she discovered her dog was dumb – for lack of better words, on my behalf. It was like speaking to an optimistic friend (after reading¬†Buffering) and suddenly going to a gloomy, glass half empty person. Normally, I’m a heavily sarcastic person, a pessimist even, but this book was bringing me down. I’ll try to give it another shot soon because the images are pleasing and as much as I’m not in favor of how the words and illustrations intertwine together, I feel as though I need to give it another chance. This book deserves to be read!

The Last Living Slut… holy shit. This book is not for the faint of heart. Roxana was born in Iran during Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi. As oppressed as her society was (and still is), she was just as rebellious and defiant. She tells her stories of promiscuity with rock bands. While some women may view her as our downfall and a regular groupie, I can’t help but envy the way she lays out her sex for all to see. There are a few moments where it sounds like she is insecure by the way she judges the “new age” groupies.
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To be fair, she really isn’t a groupie. She forms bonds with some bands and becomes almost family. She doesn’t always do the “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am”, in fact, she does write about moments where she played “mom” and took care of certain bands that she had developed a deeper connection with. Sure, sex is great, sex with rock stars? Even better! But to be able to fuck your idol and have meaningful, significant conversations about love, life, and the world is something not most people can be lucky to experience (I am reserving that experience for M. Shadows!)

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M. Shadows! Thanx LoudWire!

I do intend of finishing¬†Hyperbole and A Half and give it a better judgement. Maybe it’s just one of those books you can’t really throw into a rotating mix.

 

*Sparks may have written all those books in that series herself. Long story. Look it up!

What I would tell my younger self 10 years ago

If someone told me, at 21, that at 31, I would be married to someone completely different, with no kids, and living in Puerto Rico with two dogs, I would have said… BITCH, YEAH RIGHT!

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Ah, so young and full of hope and, yet, so stupid

#FlashBackFriday
2008 was the year I regretted piercing my tongue, wore my studded belt with every outfit, and was in the middle of frying my hair with my straightener and dye jobs. My college dorm was my “residency” and I somehow managed to balance my grades, partying, and a long term relationship. Often, I was asked what I planned on doing with my life and I never had a solid answer. I didn’t exactly have a path to follow so I latched on to someone else’s idea of what sort of life plan I had for myself.

Growing up the younger of two, the only daughter, and in a traditional Latin home, I wasn’t exactly given too many choices or options of what I wanted to do with myself. School, however, was never up for debate – I had to go, like it or not. College was absolutely amazing but, at the time, I wasn’t living for myself. It wasn’t until 2009 that life kicked me in my lady balls and showed me I had to do something with my life but in 2008? I was lost. I was lost in this pressure of finding out what I wanted to do; will I marry him? Will I start a family? Will I be a working mom? Why am I in college? I had no guide to help me through these decisions.

So, if I could go back in time 10 years ago, here are a few things I would let Allison (no one called me Ally yet) know.

  1. No, I didn’t bring anything back from the future, so, you’re just going to have to believe me.
  2. You will find your calling in school, just not at this very moment. You will need to be alone to figure out what drives you and what makes you happy. Don’t give up on school. This will be your security.
  3. Yes, your brother marries her. Their love will open a part of your heart you didn’t know existed and your nephew, Damian, will draw out emotions you thought you’d never feel for a human being. You will understand what “fighting for your life” really means and how delicate life can be but Damian will also teach you how strong someone can be, no matter their size.
     

  4. That nervous tick you have with shaking your leg is going to be a sign of anxiety. You won’t get diagnosed until about 7 years later. It’s going to suck and you’ll cry because you won’t fully understand why it happens or what is triggering it. I’m still trying to figure it out so just be patient. Not everyone will understand and while some will try to “out do” your pain, there will be others who will empathize and help you.
  5. That piercing you have, you’re going to take it out and pierce it about two more times. The last time will be the least painful one and eventually, you’ll get bored of it and take it out every now and then. You’ll still have it at 31.

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    It’s all fun and games until you rip the hole or swallow the jewelry
  6. Don’t try so hard to hold on to people. Those who will make the effort to stay in your life, will. Jen will be one of those. She will go through life turmoils but will finally find her happy place. You’ll be lucky enough to meet her son, Orion, and be proud of the woman she has become all while reminiscing with her about the time you both shared a toilet to throw up in during a drunken night at Webster Hall.

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    Jen, thank you for all your spontaneous joy rides to 6 Flags and down the shore
  7. You’re going to go through your first heartbreak really soon and it’s going to hurt, bad,¬†but¬†it will be worth it. It will take a few years to get over the pain but you’ll reach a day when you can look back at Louie’s old pictures and say, “I’m okay.” I promise you, it will be for the best. Besides, your husband is much funnier, nicer, and he absolutely adores you.
  8. Stop being so hard on yourself. No one has their shit together. Have fun and screw what anyone thinks of you. You’re going to make mistakes but this is how you will learn.Follow up: there will be two apps where everyone will take pictures and videos to showcase their daily lives where they pretend to be happy; create and patent the apps Instgram and Snapchat. You’re welcome.
  9. Jessica will be your best college roommate. Trust me.
     

  10. Your best concert buddy is actually your brother and you will have a blast cockblocking him at concerts so go to as many as possible.

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    Enjoying In This Moment with my brother
  11. The love of your life will finally meet you in the perfect circumstance and take you to places you’ve never dreamed of seeing. He will also bring you two dogs that will love you unconditionally. In this relationship, you will learn you never really wanted kids to begin with.

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    D’aw!
  12. There will always be people that don’t like you and that’s OK. You don’t need to be their friend. You are going to keep meeting people you don’t like for whatever reason as well. That’s just life; you can’t win everyone over.
  13. Not only will you get a job, you will graduate, get a better job, and you’ll buy your own car with money you’ve saved without needing a co-signer. It’ll be terrifying but worth it.

You’re never going to like wearing office clothes, you’ll still wear cartoons on your shirt, you’ll have blue hair, and you’ll still get excited about Sailor Moon. It looks like you’ll always be young at heart… or an idiot. Just enjoy the ride!

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“Why did you stop?”

In mid November, I had met up with a high school friend, Diandra, and when she asked me, “So, what are you doing in Puerto Rico?!”

I replied,

“Nothing. Just a housewife.”

Catching up just to sit down
I had went back to New Jersey for a few weeks due to hurricane Maria ripping through Puerto Rico. I stayed with my parents and I was able to catch up with some friends, mainly my high school girls, Mimi and Joy. Thankfully, we all live close to each other and decided to meet up and catch up on what has been going on in our lives.

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Old friends

Mimi struggled with anxiety but works hard to not let it run her life. She dished about her amazing job, the comfortable pay, exciting trip she took to Europe last year, and even about a new man in her life. Despite it all, she looked and sounded genuinely happy. Despite her demons, she was able to overcome all of her hardship and find herself on top.

Joy will be getting married in March, she is a registered nurse, and she is still climbing up, focused on actually helping people, and secure her future. After seeing her with someone for over 10 years who, not only mentally abused her, but constantly cheated and actually held her back from her full potential, it was heart warming to know she was able to rise up and realize her self worth.

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Friends

When it was my turn to speak, I was already mentally preparing myself for the same conversation with Diandra and I was ready to recite, once again, “Nothing. Just a housewife.” Instead, these powerful, ambitious, independent women asked:

“Are you still running?”
“What happened to your blog?”
“Why did you stop writing?”
“What about drawing?”

Once I heard these questions, it was as if they were describing this unique, happy, free individual with talent and ambition. Those talents and pastimes just floated in the air to form a person who was full of life, just to be let down and shut out. That wasn’t me or, I guess, it used to be but not anymore. To be honest, they caught me off guard, I was surprised they knew that much about me!

So, why did I stop?
I guess I stopped doing these things because I am afraid of failing. I am afraid my writing has suffered because I haven’t been on top of it. I am afraid of running because I haven’t in so long. I’m afraid of drawing because I don’t feel good enough to do so. I am afraid of updating my blog because I will feel insignificant and whiny. I would be lying if I didn’t think Annie (my anxiety) had something to do with how I am feeling. My anxiety does pull me down but hearing my friends actually care about little things I enjoyed doing gave me the little push I needed.

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My wedding day

I had been away from my friends for so long and have settled for others due to my living situation that I forgot who I was. Of course, I don’t mean I NEED them to get me back on track but to be reminded of the person you once were from the people who actually took notice, does help¬† me put things into perspective. It’s so easy to meet people but most just want to talk about themselves rather than get to know you and through that, I lost who I was. Yes, this does sound needy but sometimes, you just need real encouragement from friends who know the real you.

Trying is better than not
I am not one of those people who go around shouting “New Year, New Me!” Whenever I say I am going to change something about myself, I never do. In fact, I get overwhelmed by the pressure and end up doing the opposite and stop. What they said stuck with me and slowly I was getting my itch to doodle and write again. I worked on a little doodle D had been asking for, I wrote down some ideas for the blog, and had to buy a new charger to use my laptop. It would be too easy to say I will be updating more often but I would also be lying. I am hoping to keep up and actually do it and that’s all I can say.

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Everything will fall into place

 

 

Meet Annie

Annie is pretty.
Annie has the long eyelashes I want. She also has those Angelina lips that men can’t resist and those lips compliment her perfect chin. Her raven hair is silky, long, and it doesn’t hold a single curl. She doesn’t need to dye her hair because it would only distract you from her beautiful face. Along with her angel like facial features, her body also looks like it was molded by angels. Her arms are nicely toned just enough to seem elegant. Her arms match her delicate lady like hands and her nail polish is never chipped. Don’t get me started on her flat belly and modest chest! It must be nice to never have to wear a bra every time you leave the house. She was blessed with birthing hips that sway in the most seductive way possible that accompany her apple bottom. All her pants are skin tight and she never has love handles. She effortlessly looks flawless. Beyonce had Annie in mind when she made that song.

Annie is mean.
Annie is confident, strong, intelligent, and beautifully talented. Annie is also a bitch. She constantly pokes fun at me and is always there to whisper hurtful things: “That car is going to hit you,” “You know, they really aren’t your friends, they just feel sorry for you,” “You’re shitty writer,” “You will be your husband’s downfall,” “Everyone is staring at you because you weren’t invited,” “Why can’t you act your age?” “You’re pathetic,” “No one likes your dogs.” Annie has a tendency of sticking around me when I don’t want her there. Every time I’m in the car, she hops in the backseat wearing her black band shirt, fitted jeans, and eye liner on point. She likes to make moves on my husband so I can feel small and unloved. She likes my cooking so she leaves me alone. At least I have her beat in that department. Not today, bitch! She takes every opportunity to let me know I am doing something wrong: “Why are you wearing that? Are you 12? That doesn’t fit. Why don’t you go for a run? Oh, that’s right because everyone will laugh at chubs attempting to run!”

Annie likes to tag along with me whenever I decide to go out with friends. She takes her time to break me down. Every time, it’s always the same. She leaves me alone when I’ve built up courage to dance or talk to someone and then she slides over my shoulder. “They don’t really want you here and you look ridiculous. Everyone is staring at you because you don’t fit in.” Every day, Annie becomes more creative with her insults. She is never shy to speak. “You’re a shitty dog owner. Your dogs hate you. You’re a failure at everything. Why does your face look like that? Your jokes are stupid and you’re not funny.”

Annie is weak.
Go fuck yourself, Annie. Yesterday, I left the house and took care of my neighbors pets. On Friday, I drove myself to my appointment and hung out with friends that night to play games. On Thursday, I rewarded myself by staying in by choice. On Wednesday, Tuesday, Monday, and Sunday I had walked over 20 miles just to be out of the house and active. I did not do this alone. I walked my dogs and hung out with my friends. Within 2 months, I have seen about 4 movies, traveled to a new city I have never heard of before, visited a new beach, went to several other beaches, went on a tour, gave a real attempt at swimming which turned my hair green, ¬†and played at a casino and lost money. Even though I was scared, my hair turned green, and I didn’t have Lady Luck with me, the feeling of accomplishment gave me the push I needed. Annie wasn’t invited to any of these trips and she stayed where she belonged: away. Annie thrives on my fears and only exists when I am unsure of myself.

Annie is real.
Annie only started to make her presence known last winter of 2015. She has been nothing but a burden that I try to bury. I’ve been hesitant on introducing her to new people but the way I see it is once they meet her, they will understand why I do the things I do. Some people don’t get her, others pretend she’s not real, and then there is that small group that make it their mission to squash that bitch. To that group, thank you for always putting Annie in her place. She is a bully and a nuisance but every day I leave my home to walk my dogs, to take the trash out, to check the car, pick up the mail, or enjoy the sun, I know I can be stronger than her.

Meet Annie, my anxiety.
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